It has been said, that it takes half the amount of time that one was in a relationship to move past its demise. I believe I have reached that milestone in regards to my relationship with John the Pilot. I no longer grieve the future I thought I would have with him, but I do wonder from time to time if he is still alive, or is he with “her”? Yes, I do not wish him well, but I do not wish him harm either. As a matter of fact, I believe I can honestly say that I just don’t care anymore.
Sure, it would be nice to have someone to call my own, “my significant other”, but I really have no desire to have a spouse or even a roommate for that matter. I’m too set in my ways and I don’t want anyone touching my belongings in order to make room for theirs. I’m just being honest. A short visit from my kid, extra stuff in the house, I believe was enough added stress to cause me to catch a cold. I’m that set in my ways…maybe.
I recently visited my pseudo dad, the man who had led my separated and divorce support group. It was so good to visit with him, it had been way too long. No surprise, I hogged the conversation, but as usual, I left feeling enlightened by the few pearls of wisdom he managed to eek in. I had even remarked that I should write about one of them, but of course, I have forgotten what I thought would be an excellent subject for me to explore. I think I need to keep a note pad with me or learn to take a moment to create a note in my phone because I know I had hit on something, and now it’s gone.
While at work, a day I normally would not be there, I received a visit from a woman who works for the company that is there for “support”. Since I do not believe in coincidence, I had told her about my visit with my pseudo dad and I believe it prompted me to remember what I had wanted to write about. However, I have forgotten what it was, once again. I really need to find a way to learn more quickly.
While my kid was visiting, I asked for help in trouble shooting computer programs to allow me to possibly begin recording podcast material with my friend remotely. I had asked for patience with me because, I have a serious learning curve with this material. What I didn’t mention was that I had been patient with all of the learning curves, they had required. Spoon feeding each and every word so a homework assignment could be accomplished, meetings with teachers and doctors to best navigate being a single mom and making decisions for their well-being. My kid did show me patience, even though it was obviously a struggle for them. I like to think that it was a learning experience for both of us.
I’m struggling at work with leading my team. So many different learning curves to maneuver simultaneously. Such a lack of compassion from some and pure ignorance by others. It’s been quite the challenge, but I like to believe that I am making progress. One of our company’s core values is to do unto others as you wish them to do unto you. I try to reiterate this value in the presence of those whose learning curve is challenged at the moment. I know I cannot force my perspective on others, but I can do my best to emulate what I truly believe. It is not my place to condemn, it is my duty to lead.
Managing a business is like managing a household. I control my controllables and do my best to provide the tools and teachings for my team to excel. What is done with those items, is beyond my control. How I respond to those actions, is.
While creating a test recording with my kid, I begin saying “This is Groovy Gail coming to you from my happy place. A room filled with pink flamingos, palm trees and …” I stopped myself because I knew I was going to cry and that would get my kid mad at me. I knew the response would be, “Is there anything that doesn’t make you cry?” and I didn’t want to hear those words. Usually, the statement would have concluded with the word “pineapples”, but that’s not what came to mind. What I wanted to say was their name. I was so happy to be spending time with this kid and that patience and understanding was being exchanged between us.
Maybe I am still grieving the future I had envisioned for my life with John the Pilot? I know I am still grieving the loss of my brother, my father and even my mother 37 years later. Sometimes I think that I am grieving the loss of the life I had envisioned for my children, fully aware of the lack of control I have on the paths they choose. I fear I will grieve the loss of some team members at work, sooner than later, but like all these other folks, I simply have no control over their personal learning curves. It’s been 4.5 years since my life, as I knew it, disappeared in a heartbeat and I believe that I am still learning from that experience. Controlling what I was able to control and learning to let go of what I could not.
Life is a series of learning curves, each and every moment is a chance to experience something new, to learn from it and share those lessons with others. As I typed that little message to the universe, the sun came out. Coincidence? I think not, but the decision is yours to make.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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