As someone who lives in an old house without central air conditioning, it’s been a good summer. I have portable AC units, but I hate the noise. I am blessed to have them, but I do not run them unless I must. The upcoming weather gives me pause for concern, but I know, at the end of the days, I will be fine. A few horrid sleepless nights, followed by the pleasant summer weather we’ve been experiencing this year.
Anyone one who knows me, knows how much I despise squirrels. The hate relationship began many years ago when my children were small and we were being threatened by what I felt were rabid animals. The police set traps for them, and took them away, but that was just the beginning of this torrid relationship with one of nature’s most despicable beasts.
One year, I heard something while I was in my upstairs bathroom. As it turned out, we were landlords to four squirrel condos, each corner of our dormer was home to the creatures. $2,000 later, it appeared that we had properly vacated the condos, repaired the damage that they had done and trimmed the tree in hopes of removing their point of entry. Little did I know that they do not need the tree to gain entry to my home. Nope, they can just climb the bricks and do as they please. Fear, hate, loathing is what I feel when I hear their vicious call to each other that the bitch is in her yard, “Get her!”
I’ve been using chunks of Irish Spring Soap in my yard to deter them. I was told that they do not like the scent and for the most part, I believe it has been working. However, it does not last forever and as of late I have been hearing their battle cries once more. I try to ignore them, but the hideous sound they make is too much for me. I yell, and tell them how much I hate them and want them to leave, but they continue to taunt me as they scurry through my yard and up the tree my mother grew from seed.
I have thought of having the tree removed, but that would only mean that they have won and I will not allow that to happen. I have seen numerous YouTube videos that tell of ways to rid myself of the rodents, but none that I feel would be legal, so I continue to lay out the soap and pray for the best. They have no sense of accountability of the fear and loathing they cause me, for all these many years, so I guess it is, what it is.
Today, was not a good day for me. I noticed that an amount of product has gone missing from my store, once more. It depresses me that I have no way of stopping the criminals, I can only slow them down and today, I felt like I hadn’t even managed to do that. I know that this is happening all over the country, but I take it personally when we experience theft in our store. I feel violated, and like a failure. So, I was already in a bad mood when I arrived home from work today.
I managed to make myself a nice meal and indulge in a glass of wine before heading out to the yard to water my garden. I check the weather forecast regularly and there is no sign of rain for days, so I must tend to the needs of my children. While out there, I felt a sense of control and calm that brings me peace when I tend to my garden. I was fine, I was recuperating from the day when suddenly, I spied a squirrel in my backyard. Right there, at my feet…his lifeless body laid. I let out a yelp! I would have thought that someone would have come to my aid, but no one did. Everyone around me has central air conditioning and are safely tucked away with their eyes glued to their TVs. No, I was on my own. I backed away and stood there in fear of a lifeless animal, my tormentor, a squirrel.
Most folks would have been happy to see their enemy dead, but I was afraid. I was afraid that somehow, I had killed it with my will and my soap and somehow, I was going to pay dearly for my hatred of the lifeless creature. It took me a moment, but I managed to compose myself and go into the house for a plastic bag. I careful tiptoed through my backyard to the garage to retrieve some heavy grill gloves so I may lift the beast and safely place it in the plastic bag without receiving any harm from it.
It was disgusting, I hate these creatures with a passion, but still, it was a dead creature that I had to lift and dispose of. I poked at it first to make certain it wasn’t faking, in a planned attack of my person, but it did not move. What a creepy experience to lift it and place in into the bag for its disposal. Even worse, as I tossed it into the garbage can, something, maybe a bird, fluttered through the ivy that covers my garage. I let out another yelp, and still, no one came to my rescue. Where the fuck do I live that the scream of a women in distress is no cause for alarm. Once again, I reminded myself that everyone, but me has their windows closed because they have central air and I don’t. Most everyone in my neighborhood is glued to their TV, computer, or phone screen, so I was on my own. There is no white knight, least of all on a summer’s night when the windows are shut and the glow of a screen is more interesting than a fellow human being in distress.
I didn’t want the mother fucker to die, but I am hoping that I will be rid of its kin as well. Leave me alone, that’s all I really want, is to be left alone. Stop torturing me with your grotesque mating calls or battle cries, whatever they were, I hated them. They make my skin crawl as they call to each other as I maneuver my own property. “There she is, the fucking bitch that tore down our condos! Get her!” or, at least that’s what I have imagined they are saying to each other.
My nightmare is that I will find out upon my death bed, that all along the squirrels were my father reincarnated. He always did enjoy getting a rise out of me by taking my things, rearranging my pantry or linen cabinet, sick and demented, just like the squirrels. If one day I spy one smoking a cigar, I will know that my theory is correct, but until then, I just hate squirrels.
What does it all mean? There must be a reason that they terrorize me, right? At first, I was protecting my children, then, my home, now, myself. Why do they taunt me so? Like the shoplifters, there’s no stopping them. All I can manage to do is lessen the amount they take, but it is at the cost of me having to work harder and longer to protect what I do not own myself. Why do they hate me? More so, why do I care? Like zombies, I cannot defeat them, so why do I keep trying? I will never win, so why do I care?
There is no white knight. There is no accountability. Leave me alone. Or better yet, choke on the Irish Spring Soap you mother fucker. Sorry Dad.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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