How many times in one’s life, does one repeat one’s self?
It is said that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. I am a creature of habit, I do not embrace change and I may be the one constant in many people’s lives, but I don’t look at that as being undesirable. I think it makes me a responsible, dependable adult; no shame had. However, I have had the tendency to fall for the same man and the same lies, too many times to be shared. So, in that case, I would agree that I am insane.
In other areas of my life, I tend to be rather predictable as well. I order the same dishes at the same restaurants, pick the same colors and styles of most everything, to which I defend myself by stating that I know what I like and that’s all there is to it. Because of these traits, I am also able to make snap decisions, decisions that allow me to feel safe and comfortable, two focal points I cling to.
As of late, I’ve been feeling like I’m in a rut, one that I have dug myself, because I am such a creature of habit. Basically, I feel like I’ve been following the pattern of “eat, sleep, repeat”. However, in the past week, that has not been what I have experienced. My life has been in turmoil, mentally and physically, but most of all spiritually. I’ve felt like I’ve been a test subject, a lab rat, running a maze in some evil scientist’s lab. So far, it hasn’t killed me, but the experiment is far from over. I’ve been discussing my situation with a dear friend, a much younger, but wiser friend and something she said resonated with me. She said, “Go with the flow of what the universe is handing to you instead of getting into a bored place and creating the drama in your life.” When she said that, I asked her to repeat it, several times so I could truly hear what she was saying to me.
Holy fuck! I think that is what I did, I have done this to myself! I have brought on all this drama because I have been bored and not knowing what to do to make it stop. I’ve been praying for a change, but nothing too dramatic, but what if…what if… I dared to dream outside of my safe space, the box I have created for myself, the place where I have continually told myself that I need to be grateful, for all that I have and not dare to ask for more. I’ve been living with the daily fear of my age, my financial situation, my health, and my limited options. I don’t want to lose what I have, but what if…what if I was forced to let go of the only life I’ve known and try to survive doing something else. What would I do? Where would I go? How can I possibly let go of all the “things” that are so precious to me? But, more importantly, why would I want to do that to myself? Well, sometimes the universe hears what it wants to hear, not what I thought I wanted, but maybe what I needed.
Now, I am exhausted and no closer to a resolution than I was a week ago. I am not feeling safe, nor comfortable in any way, shape, or form. I have no idea what the future holds for me. I do know that all this stress has taken a toll on my health, but I refused to let it stop me dead in my tracks. I’ve asked questions and have found some resolutions to my health issues, temporary they may be, but I’m trying to “heal thyself” and have had some good results. I still feel like I’m in an evil scientist’s lab, but I am getting closer to understanding what is in my power and what is not. I am a sincere believer in the Serenity Prayer and if I can figure out the things I can change and have the courage to change them, will I make it to the end of the maze…alive?
I don’t know how much more strength is left in me and no, I do not have the luxury of “taking some time off.” I tried doing that and that’s when the snowball began to pick up speed. No, I need to stay the course; eat, sleep, repeat, but with a twist. I need to be patient, ask questions, and silently listen for answers. It will come to me, maybe if I remain very still, no one will notice what’s going on, no one will see how very small I have become, waiting, in the darkness, for the answer that will come…or not. If it doesn’t reveal itself, I can continue to “lather, rinse, repeat” and survive. I can “eat, sleep, repeat” and live to see another day. What if the answer comes and I don’t like what it is? I don’t know and maybe, I don’t need to know, not today, not when I’m so exhausted.
Silence is golden.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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