As I near yet another milestone birthday, I realize that I have so many unanswered questions. Questions, I will never know the answers to because either, there’s no one left to ask, or I wouldn’t believe them anyway. After all the lies I have been fed, all the lies I chose to live with, I must ponder, what do I know and what can never be known?
I know, that this past Easter was a mixed bag of emotions for me. It was an Easter Sunday about twenty years ago when my ex-husband decided to reach out to me after being completely absent from our lives for six years. He said that he wanted to make amends and I asked, “How do you propose to do that?” It was an uneventful meeting, but he gave me answers to questions I didn’t even realize I had. I believed that his behavior was because I just wasn’t enough. I was never pretty enough, smart enough, or good enough to keep his interest, so he had to venture outside our marriage to find more. In one of our conversations, he informed me that his cheating on me had nothing to do with me, it was just another one of his addictions. Really? To this day, I cannot comprehend what that statement truly meant. What I do know, is that his “addictions” caused a lot of damage to me, my children, and his immediate family. I guess in hindsight, it was like he was trying to say that no one was at fault, it just was another one of his addictions…bullshit.
I thought that I had moved way beyond all this history, but I realized shortly before this Easter that I hadn’t. I kept thinking about that phone call to make amends and spoke about it to an old friend. I was surprised at the anger that came bubbling up inside of me, that I spewed out with comments about how his behavior did so much damage to me and my children, but then, I realized, it wasn’t just his behavior that hurt us, I was to blame as well. What percentage of blame am I to assign to myself for allowing the situation to go on for as long as it did? How much of the blame was mine for even having children with someone that numerous people told me, I should not marry. I did it anyway, out of put selfishness because I wanted children, so badly, that I married someone I knew I shouldn’t have. My low self-esteem kept telling me that he would be my only chance to have what I truly wanted, a family of my own, so I did it.
I made it happen, he even told me that I had bullied him into marrying me. Sounds about right. We had broken up and I was seeing someone else, but I was miserable without him. I had left a note on his apartment door that I wanted to meet with him. His roommate found it first and tossed it out, but then he realized that he didn’t have the right to do that and left it for my ex to see. The three of us had a meeting and without thought, I told my ex that if we were to get back together, he would have to marry me, and so we did. It was really that unromantic. We both wanted children, we’ve been together for five years now, let’s make a deal. I did love him, still do, and in his own messed up way, I’m certain that he loved me too, but his addictions were just too powerful to allow us to even remotely live happily-ever-after. This is something I now know.
I am learning to accept the consequences of my actions. I have no regrets and I have my children, that I absolutely adore. Mere words cannot aptly describe how much I love these human beings and how much joy they bring me. They are my greatest accomplishment in this lifetime; I hope they can forgive me for being so selfish. I don’t know that they will ever have the strength to forgive their father, but I know if they do, they will be better people for it. They will live happier lives, they will be stronger and wiser, they will have all the things I have hoped for them. Will they ever find the strength? That is unknown.
Shortly before this Easter, I had a realization that my living brother would never lie to me. I felt strongly that I needed to tell him this face-to-face. He joined us for Easter dinner and while we were hanging out in the backyard, I told him that I felt that he would never lie to me, and I told him how much I appreciated that. I’m very glad that we had an opportunity to share that moment. It wasn’t long after, that I officially became old. Yes, I fell in my backyard and couldn’t get up. My brother was helping me to insert an ornamental metal sunflower into the rock covered ground. I felt a need to push harder than usual to accomplish this task and when I did, the stem broke in half and I fell. In the process, I injured my left shoulder. The pain was so intense, I knew I could not put any force upon it to help myself up off my knees. Fortunately, my brother was able to yank me up from behind, but the shame and embarrassment was overwhelming. I felt so stupid. My brother kept asking me why I pushed so hard? Why did I exert so much energy into pushing that flower into the ground? My brother told me that I was lucky I didn’t impale myself as well. This is something I know. What I don’t know, is why I do that. Why do I push so hard and why haven’t I learned that it just doesn’t benefit me to do so? I just don’t know.
That same day, my downstairs toilet backed up. This was not the first time in recent history and my son could not unclog it. I knew what I needed to do, call a plumber. I had one come over a few days later, on my day off. I really thought they were going to fix it lickety-split, but that was not the case. It was determined that someone had dropped something into it and it was permanently stuck, I had to get a new toilet. I have worked with this plumber for years, so I knew it wasn’t some sort of ploy to hike up my bill. However, I told them that I want to know what is in that toilet. They told me that they would break it open with a hammer and then we could see what it was. They lifted it into our large garbage receptacle and cracked it open…nothing. We couldn’t see anything. Maybe it had fallen to the bottom of the trash on the first blow, but now, there was nothing to be seen. I was not going to have some eureka moment of whom I could blame for this expense, but I wasn’t about to have them dig through shards of broken porcelain to find a possible culprit. What was it? A pen, a toothbrush, the tweezers that had gone missing? I was told that it couldn’t be something round because their auger could make it past the object, but their tool got stuck as they were trying to bring it back out. It was something that the auger could get around easily going in, but not coming out, but that was all they could tell me. So, I would never know…unless.
Oh, I thought about it, I thought about it long and hard. Should I go out there, in the rain and dump the garbage into the alley and dig for what had cause the blockage? I know it would be a mess, would it be worth possibly cutting myself on broken shards of porcelain to find out what it was? To know, to finally know something, without pause, would bring my gray matter some relief, but at what cost? Not to mention, my shoulder would suffer unnecessary pain in the process, but would it be worth it? I want to know! I want to know what it was and who dropped it into my toilet, the one that I am a freak about not leaving the seat up on because something like this could happen. Who’s to blame? Then I thought, was it me? Did I drop something in the toilet and don’t remember? I mean, where are those tweezers that I was so certain were in that bathroom’s medicine cabinet the other day? Did I do this to myself? Am I getting that forgetful? No, no I would not have been using tweezers with the toilet seat up. I am that much of a freak about not leaving the toilet seat up in my home. No, this IS something I know about myself. I am a freak about certain things and that damn toilet seat being put down is one of them! This, I know!!!
For the record, I did not risk my health and safety, I did not go out into the rain and dump the garbage can in hopes of finding what clogged my toilet. I’m not that far gone…not yet. I did, however, tell this story to my therapist and concluded that I needed to write about this experience, in hopes of finding some answers. Why do I need to push so hard? Why must I know why? And, how do I learn to live with the great unknown?
In the process of writing this piece, I have concluded that there are indeed times, I need to push hard. When I believe strongly about a situation or when I need to protect my loved ones, I will push hard. When I need to protect myself or have set goals for myself, I need to push hard. However, when I am in a circumstance of want vs. need, I shouldn’t push hard, and it’s okay to let go of something that maybe, should never be. No amount of would have, should have, could have will bring me peace, but showing gratitude will. This is something I know.
Many times, there is no answer to why. I am reminded of my religious mentor’s comment about how bad things happen to everyone, it’s how we respond to them that defines us. I don’t need to know “why”, to do the right thing. I know who I am and what I believe in and what I believe in is simply put, “do unto others…”. Why, doesn’t come into the equation, it just is.
How do I live with the great unknown? I’m certain that there are many people who know why it rains, how it rains, and what is rain, but I’m not one of them. I could Google it, I suppose, but why? What I do know is that I love the sound of the rain gently coming down, nourishing my garden that nourishes my body and more importantly, my soul. I know that the rain congers up wonderful childhood memories of summers long past, when life was simple and my mom, our cats and I would sit on the enclosed front porch and enjoy the lightening show in the sky. I know the rain can be harsh and cause worry for our safety and our home’s wellbeing, but I also know that the storm will eventually pass.
There is so much I do not know and will never know and maybe, it’s better that way. Ignorance is bliss, knowledge is power and forgiveness, divine. I know I have had to the strength to forgive many people, including my ex-husband. Maybe it’s time, to forgive myself. Why? Because I can. I can do it, and this IS something, I know.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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