What is the Universe is Trying to Tell Me?
The best laid plans…
I had an accident five months ago; I fell and I couldn’t get up. I allowed my anger to get the best of me, my patience had worn thin and, once again, I pushed myself too hard, and in a faction of a second, snap!
Why do I keep doing this to myself? I push myself so hard, in every respect, except weight loss, isn’t that ironic? A story for another time, perhaps. I push myself; I need to accomplish more; I need to be the best I can be and what does it get me? On one hand, I believe it gets me the positive recognition I yearn for, it gets me a sense of self accomplishment, but it also gets me exhaustion; mentally, physically, and spiritually. Yet, I do not learn and I continue to push myself to the nth degree, every single time.
This time, I really did a number on myself, I knew it, as I knelt there in my garden, I knew I had seriously hurt myself by pushing, with all my might, a silly sunflower decoration into the earth. Even my brother asked, “Why did you push so hard?” Why? Because that’s what I do. Why? Who the fuck knows. How did I get this way? Why do I push so hard, all the time? Why am I so dramatic? I can’t seem to help myself. I can feel the person I’m speaking to cringe a bit as I try to explain something to them, in Groovy Gail style. Most folks just stand there, the weaker ones flinch, but more times than not, no one calls me on it and tells me to calm down. Odds are, it’s because they know, they know the message will fall on deaf ears, so…they simply walk away.
I thought I was okay; I really did. I felt myself improving with the movement of my shoulder, my chiropractor told me that since I could put my left hand in my right back pocket, I was probably okay, but I wasn’t. Only after a second ill moment, when I screamed out in pain, did I seek the advice of a physician. Long story short, I wasn’t okay. After a series of tests, it was determined that I had torn my rotator cuff, full thickness tears, not no sissy ass tears, nope, not me, I don’t do anything small.
Surgery was scheduled. I did everything I had to, to be prepared for the surgery. All the pre-op tests and visits, check! I did everything, absolutely everything I was told to do, including all the reporting, forms and phone calls, faxes too, I did it all. My stress level was through the roof as I tried to think of everything, I needed to do to put my work team in a good place to endure my uncertain lengthy absence. It was all set; I even had my kid in town to take care of me during my arduous journey to health and then…and then…I received the email to call my surgeon’s office.
Apparently, my surgeon had an accident, one that required him, himself to receive surgery and my surgery was cancelled. What?!! What?!! It was so surreal, what the fuck just happened?!! Now what do I do? My kid was in town on military leave to take care of me, I have done all the legwork to prepare for this time off…what?!! So, for a moment, the wheels stopped turning. The universe has decided, no! What was I supposed to do now? Was I just supposed to sit here and wait to hear from my surgeon’s office as to what my fate might be? Yeah, no! That’s a hard, no!!!
I went onto the clinic website in search of another doctor and guess what? I found one! I found a guy I had seen previously for my knee, because we know that Groovy Gail is falling apart in bits and pieces, and guess what? He does shoulders too? Long story short, too late, I wrote an email and received an appointment with the new guy the next day. Yeah, me!!!
I felt good about this, I know this guy, I read his bio and he seems impressive. Why didn’t I see him from the get go? This is the one, this is the universe telling me that I wasn’t supposed to have the first guy do the surgery, nope, this is the guy!
However, this guy told me that he thought I was in worse shape than the other guy and that I was going to be in a sling longer than the other guy had said and he also told me, basically, I was going to have to stop. Stop all the nonsense I thought I was going to be able to do with the other guy and stop. A hard stop. No one tells Groovy Gail that she must stop! However, this guy did. A tear ran down my cheek. Why is this happening to me? What did I do so wrong to deserve this? Someone is telling me, after all my questions, that the only answer is for me to stop. A hard stop. I don’t stop. Now, I must stop.
Long story short, too late, I thought about it and after some careful considerations and a chat with my assistant and boss, I’m going to stop. I really want my fucking arm to work again, so…. I have to stop. I could go back to work, I could choose not to have surgery, I could do a lot of things, but the real answer is, just stop. As painful of a reality it is to me, I must stop. This is what the universe is telling me to do and so, I must heed its warning before it’s too late.
In the past couple of days, I have really learned that I’m not good at stopping, nor relaxing, nope, no good at all. I have kept up with filing notices and making phone calls, but I have not gone to work and I’m not going to go to work. My assistant and I agree that the schedule I wrote, for my absence, does cover the bases and I should stop. I work too much as it is and it’s all good, if I don’t come in during the time I was supposed to be recuperating from surgery, a surgery that didn’t happen because the universe was trying to tell me, in no uncertain terms, to just fucking stop!
In a nutshell, there is a whole thing about me driving after the surgery, so, once again, the universe is telling me to stop. I’m trying to listen, but it’s so hard to do, when I want to be all that I can be, except when it comes to losing weight, a story for another day, perhaps. There have been offers of assistance, but should I take them? Maybe, just maybe mind you, it’s time for me to give myself a fucking break and just stop. Something to ponder, perhaps.
I have a week before my ability to type will be extremely limited, but I will try to keep you all updated on my attempt to just stop. I have decided to take the time off and spend some quality time with my kids, especially the one that took military leave to be with me. How blessed am I that happened? I really don’t know, I don’t know what the future holds, but for this moment, for a split second in time, I’ve decided to heed the warnings of the universe, and just stop. It’s okay to not get everything done, to the best of my ability, it’s okay to stop. So, I shall.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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