Twenty-some years ago, I had my cards read. I chose this woman randomly from the handful of readers available at an eclectic shop. There was no way of knowing then, that she would become an important character, in the major plot twist, of the story of my life. She was a gifted story teller, with piercing blue eyes, and donned amazing costume jewelry that I envied. She told me that my animal guide was a golden curly haired bear. She could see a wedding cake being decorated with dollar signs, and that I would have great success if I opened a delivery sandwich shop called, The Running Bear. I was ravenous for some encouragement and I left the reading with a new found enthusiasm.
If memory serves me, I may have received another reading from her, as I began to frequent that shop looking for semi-precious stones to further feed my need for encouragement. I was a terribly lost soul, but walking through that shop gave me hope, that maybe one day, I would find a true love and a successful career that was fulfilling as well as lucrative. At this time, I was running the bakery/juice bar at Wild Oats. I had a man working with me and as it turned out, lived right near my home. One day, the lady with the piercing blue eyes came to the juice bar and the man introduced me to her. I recognized her, but I don’t think she remembered me. As it turned out, she said that she lived right by the man that worked for me, which meant she lived right near me. That’s when our friendship began.
She took me to events I would never have dreamed of going to. I was blessed by Indian saints and did group meditations. She introduced me to numerous restaurants and mojitos. Most importantly, here’s the plot twist, she introduced me to the alternative website where I met John the Pilot. She had asked me to create an account to spy on her husband, which I did with great success. Then, I decided to stay on that site as myself and discovered a world I never knew existed. Eventually, the adventure led me to John the Pilot, which didn’t end well, but what a great ride I experienced for 9 years.
At one point, the lady and I parted ways, but eventually, we found our way back into one another’s lives. It was never the same as before, but I was glad to have her in my life once more. She was a “collector” of large amounts of clothes as well as costume jewelry that made its way to me. Every time I wear a gifted piece, I fondly think of her, her piercing blue eyes, and the way she referred to me as “baby”. I guess, I thought of her as a mother figure, something I continue to yearn for.
As of late, life has been doling out some real doozies. If I’m going to be completely honest, I’ve been managing day by day, sometimes, hour by hour. I take my supplements, ride my bike, pray, and work in my garden. These are my coping mechanisms and for the most part, they keep me going. However, there are days when I’m just done. I figure I have accomplished what I have been put on this earth to do and so, maybe I’m done. While driving to work the other day, I really felt that way, that if I were to leave the world today, it would be okay because I have done what I was meant to do. Then, I hit the highway and I realized, maybe I’m not so ready. I literally white knuckled my way to way. It was as if everyone was out to get me, so many close calls, but it made me realize, in no uncertain terms, I am not ready to leave this world. As I decompressed in my office, I told a coworker how I had white knuckled my way to work. Saying it out loud made me realize that it wasn’t just that morning’s drive, it’s been the past few weeks that I am white knuckling it, just to survive, day by day, hour by hour and, I moistened my eyes.
How did I get this way? Genetics? Possibly, but more likely, it’s of my own making. How I never feel good enough. I work so hard and yet, the sales don’t show it. I tend to my garden and still, it’s just a mess. I exercise and try to eat better, yet no weight comes off. It is what it is, that’s something the lady always would say. I realized I hadn’t heard from her in a while and when I looked at my wall calendar, I realized that it was her birthday. I sent her an email and it bounced back to me. After all these years, she changed her email address and didn’t tell me? I tried to call her…the number was disconnected. I Googled her and that’s when I found her obituary. She had passed 6 months ago and I didn’t even know. I’m a horrible person.
She had no children and her ex-husband, the one I spied on, had died in May, not that he would have told me. The reality was, there was no way of knowing, unless I had been more in her life, like I had been over a decade ago. I searched for evidence of me not being so horrible, but there was none to be had. I know I had sent her a Christmas card, but I couldn’t remember it being reciprocated. She was always sending me email greeting cards, but I had deleted them. The lady had died, New Year’s Day and I had no idea until her birthday, 6 months later.
I cried and cried, white knuckling my way through the day. This is the second person in my life who has died suddenly and I had no idea until a chance moment on the internet led me to the news. What if I hadn’t put her birthday, year after year, on my calendar during the times we weren’t in touch? I still would not know that she had passed. I spent a good portion of the day, staring at the photo I found of her, with the obituary, with her piercing blue eyes. Why didn’t she call me? Why didn’t I call her? Why is life so cruel? I guess, that’s the price we pay for loving someone.
I will never forget the day my mother died. I was sitting on the front porch with the man who would become my ex-husband. The weather was perfect that day, Palm Sunday, 1986. I said to him, “Maybe that’s all there is. We’re born, if we’re lucky, we love, and then we die.” I’ve been lucky, I have loved. I loved the stories the lady told me over the years, giving me hope, when I had none. All the clothes and the adventures, her calling me “baby”, and the idea that I have an animal spirit guiding me, that looks just like me. Who knows, maybe one day, I will have a delivery sandwich shop named, The Running Bear. If not, it’s nice to think about it, the wedding cake being decorated with dollar signs, being blessed by an Indian saint and remembering, it is, what it is. Thanks lady.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
Leave a Reply
Your email is safe with us.