When I’m upset, I clean. When I’m distraught, I rearrange things. My ex-husband, was the first person to bring this to my attention. He would come home from work and ask, “What’s wrong? You moved the furniture…again.” Our marriage was a mistake from the get go. So, my compulsion to rearrange furniture gave me a sense of control.
Call me a control freak, I don’t mind. I am a strong, decisive woman who likes to plan the work, and work the plan. I like lists, goals, and agendas, they give me focus when my attention deficit rears its ugly head. I have a budget and financial goals, but I also have a garden and a home I like to decorate, which can be a conflict of interests. In all honesty, I could do better with my budgeting, and now, I need to.
A few weeks ago, my youngest child told me that he was going to propose to his girlfriend. I was happy for him, and for myself as well, because this meant that my disastrous marriage didn’t turn him off to the idea of matrimony. Personally, I’m not a fan, but rumor has it, some folks like being married and live happily ever after, so I’m told. However, I wasn’t gaining a possible daughter-in-law, I was losing financial security. When my child leaves the nest, it will be a financial hardship for me.
I’ve never been good at math, so I sat down and tallied up my monthly expenses. Several items will need to be cut, like the extra payments to my mortgage in hopes of paying it off sooner, the landscaper and the visits to my mothership, TJMaxx. It will be tight, very tight, but manageable…maybe. Visions of living on ramen noodles for the rest of my life began to cripple me. So, I started looking into ways I could supplement my income. It was suggested to me that I could be a pet caregiver. It seemed like a possibility, until I was confronted with the reality that I’m not a pet person. I could do it, but I think I’d enjoy an eternity of ramen noodle consumption more.
I am my own worst enemy, my thoughts of impoverishment consumed me, so I began to tend to my garden. With this extreme heat and drought, everything appears to be dying. Although it is August, I should have at least another month to harvest from my modest garden. While hacking away at the overgrown vines, I realized that I have only picked 3 cucumbers and 2 squashes from my monstrous vertical gardening attempts. My yard was a mess! The dying vines overwhelmed me, working in the heat, sweat pouring down my face, I kept wondering why I procure life when all it does is die? Everything leaves me. I’m the only constant, I’m the one that stays and everyone else leaves, but I don’t, won’t, can’t.
Maybe I should start clearing pots and putting them away for the season. Maybe next year, I won’t be able to buy as many plants and then I won’t have so much death to deal with. Maybe if I move these pots, move that table, move that decoration, move it, change it, move it back, maybe I’d have some control, but I don’t! I never have and I never will, everything changes, everyone leaves! I began to sob.
I recently discovered that I am listed in my friend’s phone, not as Gail, but as “Love you, bye bye!” When my kids were young, they used to watch a cartoon with a character that said this repeatedly. Apparently, I adopted the habit of saying it too. It seems appropriate, since I’m the one that’s always saying good bye. The day I was sobbing in my garden, I was texting with my mentor. He told me that he was sure that even “creating a mess” in my garden was therapeutic. Maybe not everything leaves? Maybe everything grows and I happen to be the soil and light and water that helps those things grow? I responded, “Nice try.”
However, maybe he had a point. Maybe I am the foundation that has allowed my children to be strong enough to leave. They are much braver than I have ever been, smarter too. It’s a good thing that they leave, it forces me to be braver and smarter too. Like clearing the dead matter from my garden, it will give me more space for possible opportunities to be had…maybe.
I was working in my garden today. Once again, hacking away at all the dead debris. Once again, sobbing. I’ve put so much time, money, and effort into this garden, for what? 3 cucumbers and 2 squashes? I started to pull at the cucumber vines that have latched onto the dead dill and to my surprise, I found 3 more cucumbers! Grandchildren?
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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