“Faith and fear both ask you to believe in something you can’t see. The one you choose writes your future.”
It’s been a minute, maybe two, but I find myself not having much to say or possibly, fearful to say what’s on my mind. In a nutshell, recent events have given me pause and I find myself more so dwelling within the safety of my mind. I am my own worst enemy, but at the same time, I know myself and what I am capable of doing, or not. This statement does not hold true with others.
My fears of facing the possibility of financial woes caused me to seek out means of supplementing my income. It was suggested to me to consider dog walking or pet sitting. However, when I posed this option to those who truly know me, I was met with a resounding, “You? No.” Simply put, I am not a pet person. It was also suggested that I could be a plant sitter. My first thought was that someone may accuse me of stealing, so I immediately put that thought to rest. I may have some other options, and there is more than one way to skin a cat, not really, you know what mean.
I decided that the easiest way for me to reinforce my income was to simply not spend so much, especially on eating out. I ordered myself to not stop for a sandwich on the way home from work. I have a house full of food and if I’m too lazy to cook, I don’t eat. Yes, I bitch slapped myself and in two months, I have not only improved my finances, I have lost 20 pounds.
My fear has not only allowed me to lose weight, but it has also helped me to find my faith. Actually, I never lost it, but I do believe it was hibernating. My fear of losing my spiritual pseudo father due to his age, has caused me to visit him more at church, the one place I know I can always find him. He believes so deeply in the holy eucharist, that unless he is physically incapable of attending mass, he goes every single day. Now, that’s faith. I am not a hypocrite, so I’m not going to tell him that I will follow his lead, but I know, when I do go, it’s intense for me and I am honored to share the experience with him.
I don’t know if it’s my fears or my faith, but I do know that I have been clinging to my fantasies of late. I’ve relished reliving, in my mind, the wonderful times I shared with John the Pilot. I will never know if he truly had any feelings for me, but I do know, we had a lot of fun. He would let me safely live out my wildest fantasies. These days, while listening to the radio on my work commute, they have been playing the songs that were popular during our hey days. The dances I would perform, the costumes I would don, it was an amazing time in my life and I will always be grateful for the memories.
Those memories, along with the weight loss and a firmer grip on my faith, I am enjoying more freedom. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, what matters most to me are my children and my freedom. I’m allowing myself to dress up for work, I am riding my bike and going to physical therapy to improve my walking gait, and I am seasonally decorating the interior of my house and my garden for my enjoyment. I appreciate the exterior decorations of others, but mine, are for me and they bring me great joy.
Just like managing a store, I am controlling my controllables and the results have been quite favorable. I still feel a need to keep to myself, but I am enjoying my own company. I’m so much fun to be with! When I do venture out, it is with those who truly appreciate my je ne sais quoi personality, who don’t feel a need to judge me, and allow me to be truly free.
I choose faith, in every way, shape and form and the future’s so bright…well, you know the rest.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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