Once upon a time, there were two little girls. One had very fine, blonde curly hair and the other, coarse thick red hair. Even though they were born 355 days apart, by different mothers, they sometimes fancied themselves twins.
My cousin Red and I are very different souls, but our connection is palpable. She loves to travel, and I barely leave my backyard. From music to politics, we differ, but there’s one thing we both enjoy, gardening. Red’s garden is neatly manicured, with lush green grass and ample space to entertain guests. My garden, Groovy Gail’s Garden, is a work in progress, filled with garbage picking treasures and barely enough room to entertain one brave soul, besides myself. However, our lust to procure life is evident.
I think our different gardening styles; both demonstrate the degree of control we like to exercise. Red is a successful business woman whose diligence and hard work has allowed her to retire at a young age. With all her ducks in a row, she can do as she pleases and what she pleases is a tidy, up-to-date home, a manicured lawn and planning a plethora of social activities with family and friends. I exercise control by having a carefully curated home, designed to titillate my senses with every step I take. I embrace what is dated and well worn, showing its history and character with every blemish. I decorate to please myself because more times than not, I am solo. I don’t have the urge to go out and mingle, I prefer the company of one or two seasoned members of my “family” or myself.
Control is an illusion. The only thing we have control over is how we respond to the moments life presents. Is the glass half empty or half full? In my garden, I have decorated the back wall of the house with art. The left side brings me great joy, it has a nice balance of colors, shapes and textures that live in harmony with the rest of the garden. The right side is the bane of my existence. No matter how many times I move objects, I can’t find the harmony the left side possesses. I am very proud of how I have managed to repurpose my garden pieces this year and come up with a design that is new and playful, but that damn right-side plagues me, I can’t control it, it won’t behave and play nice with the rest of the garden. Have I given up? Hell no, I just haven’t figured it out yet, but I will, something will come to me, maybe in a dream or an internet ad, but it will not defeat me!
For Red, control comes easily, until recently. In a nutshell, she has cancer. I don’t know much about this subject matter, but I do know that I do not have any control over what she is experiencing. I’m doing my best to be supportive, but I hate the fact that there is not much more that I can do, but love her, be supportive and pray. I can scan the internet until my eyes bleed, but I don’t have an answer. It’s like the right side of my wall, it escapes me and that’s frustrating. I hate that my sometimes-twin lives so far away. I wish that I could at least be there for her, take her to doctor visits, or something, anything to feel like I have a smidgen of control over how this is affecting her, but even that would be an illusion.
I mailed her a gift thinking it would give her joy. It was a stained-glass puzzle of butterflies for her garden. Little did I know, she doesn’t like puzzles. When I went to visit her last week, I saw it hanging in her garden. The top of the frame was empty so I asked if it was missing pieces. She told me no, that the pieces had settled down into the lower part of the frame and that she had to fix it. I thought, no maybe that’s what is meant to be, the puzzle is finding its place, where it wants to be. Red probably thought me crazy for saying so, but I truly believe that there is no such thing as a coincidence and that all will be as it should. The puzzle wasn’t any less beautiful or complete by settling, just different in its expression of art.
Our gardens, our lives, our choices are living, breathing art. My fight with a garden wall, her fight with cancer, are both forms of expression. There is no control, only reactions to the moments as they present themselves. Her challenge forced me to make a choice and I chose to move schedules around so I could go visit her instead of staying safely tucked away in my backyard. I cannot hold her hand through this all, but for a moment, I was with my sometimes twin. She’s strong and in control of her choices to fight and be cancer-free!
Red has begun her chemo therapy, her choice, her way of being in control. I may not be able to sit and hold her hand as she goes through her treatment, but I will be with her every step of the way. And, if she loses all her coarse thick red hair, it may grow back fine, blonde, and curly, and we’ll be like twins!
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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