I’ve had a productive day with editing this website and feeling rather proud of myself. Pride, positive self-esteem and confidence are very important traits to have and not always easily possessed. I personally find that confidence is the sexiest trait one can possess. However, I have also discovered that it is easily faked. It has been my experience that some of the people in my life who appear to have unshakable confidence, were the same people who possessed the lowest self esteem. Basically, it was all an act or even a diversion so that the general public wouldn’t realize how frightened and timid they really were. The confidence they exuded was a smoke screen or in some cases, a persona they created to disguise all the lies they were feeding me. This is a subject I intend to explore more deeply as my confidence grows with writing this blog. You see, I myself to some extent, have been one of those people. I always say, I am incapable of lying, but then I realized, I lie to myself all the time.
I lie to myself the most, when it comes to relationships. I didn’t realize how much I was lying to myself while being raised by a father who was a compulsive liar and a mother who was dealing with undiagnosed depression. I would tell myself, if I behave, he’ll come home and if I get straight A’s, she won’t be so sad. I did manage to stay out of trouble and get good grades, but I was never good at the whole “being seen and not heard” thing. My mouth is my worst enemy. Dad did come home, but it was a mixed blessing and I managed to make her cry, just like my siblings did, but not as much, ha!
I fed myself so many lies when I was married to someone with multiple addictions. I kept telling myself that if I was a better person, if I kept the house clean and the kids quiet, maybe he wouldn’t drink (or shoot up or cheat) as much. I eventually learned that no matter what I said or didn’t say, no matter what I did or didn’t do, he was going to do, what he was going to do. I really didn’t figure into the equation, I just happen to be there.
Most recently, I lied to myself for nine years about “the pilot” not introducing me to his family and friends, not showing me where he lived because he was broken in some fashion, just like me. Or, maybe he was embarrassed by me. Over the years, even my best friend came to terms with it after he stood by my side during a serious health issue. She eventually said, “You will see where he lives when he moves in with you.” and she was right, but holy smokes we all were so incredibly wrong about him and why I didn’t meet the people in his life or be invited to his home.
Never let it be said, that I am a tease. I will eventually write in detail about all of these complicated relationships, as well as others, but I simply cannot do it in one sitting. There is so much, so much I need to process and share. It is my hope that writing about it all will help me to be able to recognize that special someone if he comes my way. I’m slowly managing to let down my guard and not flinch as much when an attempt is made at beginning a new relationship, but I have a long road ahead of me. I sincerely hope to have company and welcome fellow travelers.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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