A Poem – Tired

Two weeks had passed and at the urging of my therapist, I began writing. I did it in the form of emails to my dear friend. I have scoured my archives and found it difficult to believe that it had taken me two weeks to finally put my thoughts into writing.

Tired, tired, tired. I’m so damn tired. Tired of thinking, crying, hoping, praying, searching for the answers that will never be found.

I thought he was mine to keep, but that was the biggest lie of all. He lied about everything to everyone, including himself.

I lied to myself about why he didn’t let me into his life, why I wasn’t invited into his home, meet his friends.

I told myself that he was a broken soul, just like me and that’s why we got along so well.

In the end, he lied so much, he couldn’t keep the stories straight. Maybe he was tied too. Tired of juggling women and lying about his career, or maybe he grew bored of the game he had put into action.

He left a trail for me to find, but I never went looking, or maybe I was blind. Once my eyes were forced open, I could finally see and I kept digging and digging until exhaustion became my smothering companion.

My friend told me to stop looking, there was no more to be found, but my mind kept working overtime going round and round wondering why I could not see what was right in front of me.

The conclusion, I didn’t want to see. I didn’t want to see what would lead me to say goodbye to someone I thought was my friend, my confidant, lover, companion and caregiver.

Or was he? Was it all an act? Give that man an Oscar!

I’ll never know, no matter how I search, no matter how many questions get answered, there will be more that lurk around the corners of my mind, exhausting me to no end.

I will try to sleep, but the questions keep prodding my gray matter, begging for attention.

In the end, there will be a void in my life, that will never be filled. I must find the strength to say goodbye, turn my back and walk away leaving a trail of salty tears that will dry and stain my life forever more.

I pray for the rains to wash them away, out of sight, but never forgotten.

The lesson learned, time to turn the page, start a new chapter and sleep.

And then, I slept.

#thelieswechoosetolivewith