Looking over an old email, I am reminded that last Halloween I had a bit of a meltdown. I even went so far as to send John a text message asking him to tell me what horrible deed I had committed to be treated the way I was by him. Of course, there was no response, just like there was no response to my email asking him “why”.
I had written this old email to my dear friend and she had a solid response for me. She wrote, “So, maybe now that he won’t answer you, you will learn to let go.” She added, “…if you want sex, you’ll find it, if you want kindness, you’ll find it, if you want love, you will find it. Or, maybe it will find you.”
Over the past year, I have been able to find the sex, but not the kindness or love. Most likely, it is because I went back to my old habits and I went looking for love in all the wrong places. I went back to internet dating because it was what I knew would give me the attention I craved. Scouring through the countless messages and “flirts” was exhausting, but it kept my mind from going down that dark alleyway of trying to understand what John had done to me. It kept me from missing him so desperately, from missing a man that more than likely, doesn’t even exist. To this day, I have to remind myself that what I am missing, is not the man, but the person I was when I was with him.
John allowed me to be anything I wanted to be. Our meetings were like mini vacations from my everyday life of being a caretaker and provider for my family. When I was with him, it was all about having fun, role playing and yes, having great sex. I also shared with him my personal life, situations at home and at work and he was always a great listener, always positive, always supportive, exactly what I wanted him to be. We did whatever I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, except for me being introduced to his personal life.
He did share his “stories” with me as well, about friends and family, but I will never know what was true or not. I do believe a number of things he shared with me, like the deaths in his family because I found evidence to support those events in his personal belongings, but most everything else will remain a mystery to me, forever. However, if I am truly honest with myself, I don’t care anymore. I don’t care if I ever know the truth. What I care about is feeling so carefree, so desired, so comfortable in my own skin once again.
I went back to online dating with some trepidation, I didn’t want to just be a play thing to some man again, but basically, that is what I found. Even if I began to share my most intimate thoughts, the path would somehow lead back to requests for me to show myself, to speak in a nature that would lead to arousal. I did my best to deny access to that part of myself, the old me, the me before I spent nine years in a committed (albeit one sided) relationship. However, the reality is, I am still that person, just to a lesser degree. Or should I say, to a more mature degree. I still crave the power of taking a man to the promise land with my mere words, but in the end, it is not what I want, not really.
So, why do I keep going down those old paths? Why do I look up old boyfriends, think about going back to old careers, clinging to past relationships and environments that did not fulfill my needs and desires? I asked this of my son and him being so wise at such a young age responded, because it is known to me. Like the house I live in, most all my life, I know its flaws and all. I know this house and it cannot lie to me. I know its secrets, its history and what I can expect from it. It can tell me no pretty lies, only ugly truths…and beautiful truths as well. It is my oldest friend and closest companion. I keep going down those old paths, because no matter how treacherous, I know where I’m going and it doesn’t frighten me. I know the odds are that it will lead me to a dead end, but I also know that I just have to turn around and follow my steps back to the beginning, to go home and feel safe in the place that tells me no lies.
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