Saturdays

When I first began dating John “The Pilot”, we got together maybe every other week and eventually, weekly. During those early years of our relationship, we usually met on a weekday, basically due to my work schedule. My very dear friend did not like that I did not see him on a Saturday. She said, that men date their real girlfriends on Saturdays. I mentioned this to John and eventually, we had our first Saturday date, the official date night of the week and I felt like our relationship had taken the next big step in the the right direction.

As time went on, Saturday became “our day”. Even if we had nothing special planned, Saturday was our day to be together. I became like a Pavlovian Dog on Saturdays and even worse, there was a specific time. 3:00 pm became the most likely time we were getting together. That was the time we were allowed to check into a hotel room where we would have relations before we did anything else fun that evening. Sometimes, that was all that was on the agenda, but we were very good at having relations and that was all that really mattered to me.

Since our breakup, over a year ago, I still find Saturday the most difficult day of the week for me. Even though I know I will not be seeing John, my body somehow thinks it will be, especially at 3 pm. Today was no exception. In fact, it was worse than ever and it sent me into a tailspin. I even got to the point where I didn’t want to leave work because in all honesty, what else was I going to do with my evening. The void can be overwhelming.

Driving home in the pouring rain, I decided to reach out for some positive chit chat from my very dear friend, but she didn’t answer the phone. I really needed to talk to someone, so I decided to call my eldest son. He is a very good listener. He commented, “Wow, you’re being really hard on yourself today.” Generally speaking, I am my own worse critic and I believe that is what drives people away from me. How does the saying go, laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone? I find this statement to be quite accurate and I felt desperately alone due to my own making.

Back in the day, when I didn’t see John that often, I could hide my depression. No matter what state of mind I may be in, I could put on a happy face and be the adventurous gal he was interested in spending time with. Also, sex is my drug and knowing that I was going to “get a hit” would in itself help bring me out of any doldrum. We had so much fun together and being with him, would put me in a state of mind were I could be whomever I wanted to be. Sometimes, it would involve costumes or elaborate routines that I would spend days planning for. Other times, it would be an impromptu utilization of the back seat of the car at the drive-in movies to the theme song from the movie we were seeing, Mission Impossible. Either way, I would get the “fix” that I needed and all would be right with my world.

Even though John never took me to see where he lived or introduce me to the people in his life, he honestly made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. So much so, that the ringtone on my phone for him remains the Rihanna song by that name. Of course, I was concerned about how he kept me at arm’s length, but when I was with him, all was right with my world. I would ask, “My Johnny?” and he would confirm, “Gail’s Johnny.” because he knew I didn’t like to share. I wasn’t looking for a lifetime commitment, I just wanted to be in a monogamist relationship. I wanted to be able to trust someone again, to feel safe, to feel loved and that was exactly how I felt when I would burrow my face into his chest as we lay there, with his arm around me. I referred to that space as “my nook”, my safe place and when I was there, I could lull off to sleep with ease, feeling like I was his only girl in the world.

I’ve always been a big fan of the TV series Sex and the City. So much so, John bought me the entire series on DVD. Whenever I’m feeling blue, I put on the show and no matter how many times I’ve heard it, hearing the theme song instantly takes me to my happy place. My happy place used to be “my nook”, but since I no longer have that, I’ve resorted to watching an episode or two, or three and that is what I did this Saturday night. The episode I came upon was titled The Monogamists. It asked the question, “How well do we know any of the people we are having sex with?” As it turned out, the answer was, not very well at all. It also claimed that monogamy was a thing of the past.

I was reminded of a gynie visit I had once where my doctor told me that I should always use condoms until I was married. I think I may have actually laughed in his face. In my experience, even marriage did not guarantee monogamy. I completely understand that there may be folks out there that are actually experiencing a committed and monogamist relationship, but I have not had one of these privileged experiences. Instead, I have witnessed others and have been in more relationships where nothing could be further from the truth. Which leads me to ask, “How does one obtain a monogamist partner?”

You may respond that I personally must be willing to be monogamist, to which I would state in all honesty, that I have been more than willing to be this person. In fact, I have repeatedly been this person, but have not received the same faithful treatment. Actually, I have been faithful to a fault with several men who have not reciprocated, but have told me to my face, repeatedly that they have been faithful to me. One such man even told me that I was being paranoid and needed to get help, which was how I ended up on antidepressants back in the day. However, guess what? I was correct in my accusations and was never apologized to for making me feel so insane.

Maybe that is because I tend to be attracted to narcissistic sociopaths. My therapist has labeled John as one and recommended a book to me: The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg. According to Rosenberg, a narcissistic sociopath exhibits the following behaviors: Having an oversized ego; Lying and exhibiting manipulative behavior; Exhibiting a lack of empathy; Showing a lack of remorse or shame; Staying eerily calm in scary or dangerous situations; Behaving irresponsibly or with extreme impulsivity; Having few friends; Being charming–but only superfically; Living by the “pleasure principle, “If it feels good and they are able to avoid consequences, they will do it!; Showing disregard for societal norms; Having “intense” eyes. Check, check and check!

I believe that most every relationship I have had with a man, beginning with my father, has been with the same man. Reading this book has been eye opening to the pattern I repeat over and over again. Every man I fall in love with is actually the same man, but with a different face. “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” This is me and it is my challenge to stop the insanity.

Starting this blog is my attempt at doing just that. I actually started to write this post last night during the depths of my despair. I was grappling with another Saturday night without John, but a friend stopped over for an unexpected visit. During that visit, I reread what I had started to write and deemed it crap, saved the draft and decided to take another stab at it in the morning. Instead of dark evening with pouring rain, I returned to this blog attempt on a sunny morning with promise in the air. I’m uncertain if the weather has changed my mindset, but I do know that I’m attempting it with a brighter mindset.

I’ve made it through another Saturday without John and I will continue to do so, hopefully with greater ease as the months roll on. I will continue to go to therapy, read books and write my thoughts in hopes of finding my path to salvation. Eventually, the “withdrawal symptoms” will subside and/or maybe I will find a new addiction, but I must continue to move forward. I will learn to embrace the me that I am, flying solo on a Saturday, no costumes, no routines, just me and the hope that I will find happiness and be my own “happy place”, “my nook” and “the only girl in the world” who truly matters, to me.