al·go·rithm

noun – A process or set of rules to be followed in calculations or other problem-solving operations, especially by a computer.

I’m on this dating website, less and less these days because of the number of discoveries I have made. One being that a man told me that he had not sent me a particular “message”, then who did? Oh, the website must have sent it to get me to be more active on the site again. That explained a lot of things. There was this one man that I received numerous “messages” (which are stock responses) from, even after he told me that he wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship with me because of the distance between our homes. I thought it was odd and a little creepy that he had made this statement, but every once in a while, I would receive more “messages” from him. It was a shame too, because he seemed very nice with a lot of potential. Basically, he never meant to send me any messages ever, but he said he didn’t really know what he was doing on this site. However, once he clicked on my profile, he was put into my algorithm and the system decided that we needed to connect.

I’m really curious what my algorithm looks like. I have had so many bad experiences with scam artist and users in general. I figured it had something to do with my profile, so I read it to a friend and she told me to get rid of certain words like “trust” and “caregiver”. She said that everyone is looking for someone they can trust, so it was unnecessary to state that. It may also be giving out a clue that I have trust issues and that according to the “Laws of Attraction”, that statement may be attracting the liars to me. If you are not familiar with the “Laws of Attraction”, in a nutshell, we create our own reality through our thoughts and feelings. “Like always attracts like.” so I guess if I’m having trouble trusting others, untrustworthy people are drawn to me…I’m doomed.

As for the term “caregiver”, I am! That is what I do, I take care of everyone and everything, all the time. However, letting the world of internet dating know that, has been a clue to the scammers and users that I am easy fodder. I will want to take care of them, so they provide me with something to take care of. I guess it’s my own fault this keeps happening to me? “Caregiver”. This word has been removed from my profile. I have two grown children and I took care of my father until his final breath. For the first time in my adult life, I do not need to rush home to take care of someone and it feels pretty good. Therefore hitherto, I need to stop advertising that this is what I am, even though it is true.

Here’s another thought, and I have questioned a few men about this theory of mine. I was surprised at the mixed responses. I believe that even though I consider myself to be an attractive woman, men will see images of an overweight woman and consider her to be insecure and ripe for the picking. They look at a larger woman and believe that “she must have low self esteem, desperate for any sort of attention, so I can make her do anything. I mean, just look at her. What man would choose her over a pretty skinny woman?” I believe this to be true, and therefore they decide to go after me because I’m easy game. Whether they be looking for material gains or just need someone to tell them how amazing they are, I believe they are still choosing to use me simply based on what I look like. One of the men I asked this question of is my brother. Don’t get me wrong, I love my brother, but he has always picked a woman who possesses a “Playboy Bunny” body type. He would even agree with me that a woman’s face is of no matter, you could put a paper bag over her head, the only thing that matters is that she has a sexy body and that is what he is attracted to. His response to my question was surprising because he said, “I think they would look at you and think she’s probably nice and would treat me well. Like that song, find yourself a wife that’s not pretty and you’ll be happy.” The actual lyrics are: If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife. So for my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you. The pretty girls tend to be stuck up and will be dismissive because they get so much attention, they are the users. So why keep going after the ones with the “Playboy Bunny” body type? Because simply put, that is what he likes. More times than not, they end up being conceited and or crazy, but they look good.

That’s another thing. Why do we tend to chase after the ones who treat us poorly? I honestly believe, that the worse someone treats me, the more I want them to like me. I must be ill, but it is not just me. I see it time and time again. Maybe it has something to do with getting someone who is making it a challenge, you know playing hard to get, but why am I more attracted to men who dismiss me than someone who wants to treat me well? This was even true at first of “The Pilot”. He treated me so well, was nothing but kind to me, so my first instinct was to wonder, “What’s the catch? What is he trying to get out of me?” In hindsight, my instincts were correct, but I honestly do feel more uncomfortable being treated well and I most definitely have trouble accepting compliments.

This leads me back to the question: What does my algorithm look like? At this point in my life, I’m thinking it’s pretty messed up. After all, I appear to be stuck in this vicious circle and worst of all, it is of my own making. You can argue with me all you want that my ideas about pretty people having an easier time finding a mate are not true, but you simply will not convince me. I will agree, that pretty people can be nice too, the two formulas can exist in unison, but there really are a lot of pretty people out there that use their good looks to get what they want. These same pretty people will also argue that they do not necessarily like the attention and it draws all sorts of undesirable people to them. Sorry, I do not feel their pain, but I can see their point.

I have told my therapist on numerous occasions that I do not like to be seen. Back in the day, I desperately wanted to be seen and put myself in all sorts of situations, some precarious in my ill attempts to be noticed. I wanted to be liked or chosen, to be given the love and attention I desired. So I became someone I thought would be worthy of such, but it lead me further and further down the path of illusion and disappointment. Now, I want to be heard. This blog is an attempt at achieving that notion, but I still find myself drawn to the shadows. It’s easier to be invisible, to be stealth. I accomplish many great tasks and most people are not aware of who did them or how. I kind of like that. Not being seen allows me to remain protected by the shadows of my own making. However, once I am heard, I cannot take back what I have said. It’s scary stuff.

I love to write, I love to say what’s on my mind and I do tend to have a flare for the dramatic. I am quite good at projecting my voice as well, still there are times I feel my words fall on deaf ears because they can see what I look like. It’s sort of like that TV commercial for a stain remover. A man is at a job interview and the interviewer doesn’t hear a word he is saying because they are looking at the stain on his shirt. In the commercial, the stain has a voice and it’s like, blah, blah, blah and much louder than the person who is speaking. Yes, I am comparing my looks to a stain on someone’s shirt. Oh bother, but it is how I feel. My fear of being seen is crippling. It most likely prevents me from accomplishing so much more in my life. My weight is my armor and gives me an excuse, in my mind, of why I am not able to do so much more, to be so much more.

Love is freeing and fear is crippling. If I could find a way to love myself more, I could probably find a way to lead a healthier life. This is my theory, but I have yet to discover the algorithm that will lead me to that solution. Instead, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of a lot of things keep me following calculations of attracting people and situations that I feel used by. My fears keep me from being seen and heard, they keep me invisible, stealth, safe from judgement and possible persecution. Several friends have noted that I am so brave for doing this blog. For me, it’s just finally putting all the things I say in conversation into print so that more people can experience them. However, it is putting me in a position where I may be rejected or ridiculed and more importantly, making me vulnerable to actually hearing myself. If I hear myself and don’t do anything to correct what I am not liking about myself, whatever I’m spouting about, then I am a failure. So, I suppose it is brave of me to be doing this. Not because of what others may think of me, but what I may think of myself.

How do I change my algorithm? Good question. It’s something I’m working on. As I manage to pull the pieces of the puzzle together, I’ll keep you posted. It’s like one of those tile puzzles where one tile is missing. I keep moving and rearranging the pieces until they fall into place and create the image of the me I want to be. The me I know that exists, she just hasn’t found the magic algorithm to feel the fear and do it anyway, to be the me that can seen and heard and has the strength to break the vicious circle of self doubt and to be the me that exist far away from the shadows of self inflicted poor self esteem. I’ve done this to myself, now I have to figure out a way to fix it. Fingers crossed.

#thelieswechoosetolivewith