Have you ever experienced a moment in your life when you thought something was so real, so certain there was no possible way it could be anything else and then suddenly, maybe not so much?
I have had many experiences like this in my life. Probably because I’m this doe-eyed, dreamer who chooses to see the world through rose colored glasses. Unfortunately, more times than not, those glasses are ripped from my face and I am forced to see the truth and more times than not, I don’t like what has been revealed to me. However, I always manage to wipe away the tears, push aside the anger and continue to dream of a life filled with happiness and love, desire and contentment simply because, that is who I am.
Once again, I was fooled into hoping that maybe somehow, someway there was a man out there that was equally as passionate and romantic as myself and then, the curtain was pulled back to reveal the man pulling the levers creating the illusion I so desperately wanted to be true. I was disappointed, but not surprised and my heart gets a little harder, but keeps on beating, at a steady pace, keeping me alive and well enough to face another day.
I’ll share a little secret with you, I have a pacemaker. Over five years ago, I received an emergency procedure because some quack sent him home with allergy medicines even though I had informed him of my left branch bundle blockage and they had on record that my pulse was 40. I was sent home with no further evaluation. Something told me that I should check my pulse. I like to believe that it was my friend who had passed at a young age from heart failure, whispering in my ear. I called the doctor’s office and asked, “What was my pulse when I was there?” I was told that it was 40, but that is good! Me being the good little girl that I was raised to be, did not argue with my superiors, I accepted the information and went about my business.
I had invited my entire family to celebrate that Easter weekend because my brother had received a less than stellar prognosis of his health and I wanted us to all be together one last time. Just so you know, he’s still alive and that was over 5 years ago. Modern medicine, yeah! I had actually said to my assistant at work that I thought I was dying to which she replied that I was just stressed out because of my family’s impending visit. No, I was dying. You see, the bottom part of my heart had stopped functioning and the top part was keeping me alive. It was slow, but I was still alive. I went about my business of cooking and cleaning and taking care of my family as I always do, but it was challenging to say the least.
On the Monday after Easter, I called the doctor’s office and asked what was my pulse on a previous visit. I was told 70 and I insisted on being seen immediately. I was hooked up to an EKG and then sent to the ER to receive a pacemaker. Needless to say, I was scared out of my mind, but I had my very dear friend with me and “The Pilot”, he may have even shed a tear for me, probably not, but it’s nice to think that maybe he did. As I lay there on the operating table waiting for my procedure to begin, I had a blue cloth over my face and the people who were to preform the surgery were chatting away as if I wasn’t even there. I thought to myself, and I should have yelled out, “I’m not dead yet!” I wanted that cloth off of my face, but I laid there in silence hoping this would not be the last moment of my life and it wasn’t.
I obviously made it through the whole ordeal and I go for 6 month checkups to see how I’m doing, how much more life there is to my batteries and all. The pacemaker records ever moment of my life. On one visit a few years back, I was told that on July 11th I had experienced a series of rapid beats, but that is adjusted itself and I probably didn’t even notice the occurrence. I was curious as to what had happened that day, so I went to my Facebook page and saw that that was the day my custom made Mid Century Modern lampshade had arrived!!! Of course my heart raced!!! I love my lampshade!!!
When I had a 6 month check up after my life with “The Pilot” ended, I asked if there were any anomalies that occurred that day. Nope, I was fine. Interesting, my life hit the fan and my heart was like, “Oh well.” I kept functioning as if nothing had happened, nothing as awesome as receiving my MCM lampshade!!! I make light of the matter, but I was devastated. I loved him so very much, but realizing he was not who he claimed to be, helped me move on, with a crippling limp, but I did move on.
Last night, around 4 am, I received a series of text messages from a phone number I do not know. It was determined that it was a wrong number, but it coincided with the heart monitor in my bedroom going through some check on my pacemaker. I laid there in silence wondering if this had been some sort of “heads up, you’re going down” text message, but I felt fine. At least, I think I felt fine. So I rolled over and went back to sleep with the intention of calling the doctor’s office in the morning. I did just that and a scheduled diagnostic test had been run, but it was a mere coincidence that I received the text messages from a wrong number at the same time. Bizarre. Maybe it had something to do with the full moon, but something else happened earlier in the day that made me wonder if this was some sort of a message and I needed to pay attention.
I mention this all today, because I will be curious to see if there were any anomalies yesterday. You see, I received a message from a voice from my past, from someone that rocked my world from our very first encounter. This was not a healthy relationship by any stretch of the imagination, but if I am honest with myself, he is my drug of choice. Back in the day, I gave him half of a broken heart charm and I will forever keep my half. He claims to still have his. I hope it’s true. Even if it isn’t, it’s nice to think that it is. I need to believe that there is someone, somewhere who thinks I’m someone special. No matter how our complex relationship twists and turns, no matter how many times I experience thrills and disappointments, he still makes my heart skip a beat, he lightens my soul, and he is my friend. I’m the hippie who believes in the endless possibilities of well, everything and he is not, not even remotely interested in any of that nonsense. It doesn’t matter, I enjoy our banter, our verbal sparring matches and he makes me smile. Just knowing he is there, somewhere, possibly thinking of me and the thought of me makes him smile too… it’s almost as good as my MCM lampshade!!! Maybe, even better.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
Leave a Reply
Your email is safe with us.