In my twenties, I first began to realize that I was surrounded by dysfunctional people from dysfunctional families. I mean, compared to the the stories I was receiving, my family was the Brady Bunch! I asked one of these dysfunctional people, “Why do I seem to attract dysfunctional people?” I was told, because for the short time that they are with me, they feel normal. Me, providing a sense of normality? How can that possibly be when I am the “crazy” one?
Back in my theater days, someone told me that I was crazy to which my response was, “At least I’m not boring, like you!” I may be crazy, but I like to believe that I’m a good crazy and I guess crazy attracts crazy, just as like attracts like, but I’m telling you, this whole enabler stuff has got to stop!
I may have been doing it with my mother, but I really don’t recall how that would have played out, but I most definitely was my ex-husband’s enabler. I went so far as to take the blame for his car accidents because he did not have a valid driver’s license. His addictions were so far blown, I cannot even go into the details of what I subjected myself to in the name of keeping the family together without you wanting to call me to get some help…yesterday. Not only did I run around with a figurative pillow trying to break his fall, I did cartwheels and back bends and walked on egg shells in my attempts to continually resuscitate a marriage that simply did not want to live.
I have accepted that certain people in my life have no ability of being apologetic for what they have done to me and I have done my best to move on, but I still feel the weight of the anchor of their inexcusable behavior weighing me down, and I’m not just referring to “The Pilot” either. There have been friends whom I have allowed to do the same thing to me and I do my best to “turn the other cheek”, but at what cost?
Last night, someone I love dearly took me down the proverbial path of woes and heart aches, how much he loves me and how much he has changed and by the end of it all, I ended up calling 911 to make certain that he had not purposefully injured himself. My heart was breaking that I may have said something to make him want to “end it all”, but as it turns out, he had lied to me and he was not sober at all. What I was hearing, what I was experiencing was his drunken behavior, once again.
What is it about me? I mean really, do I have the word “Enabler” tattooed on my forehead, invisible to all that do not possess an addiction, but to those who do, it’s a neon sign? Time and time again, I am the one that is called when they are dealing with a heartbreak or manic moment. This includes one of my brothers who is in rehab for the, I don’t even know anymore, time. He called last Valentine’s Day in tears. I could identify with his pain because I too, long for that endearing relationship I can’t seem to find, but in the end, I was sober and he was not.
I recall an old episode of the Roseanne show where she was pointing out to her sister that she was an alcoholic. As Roseanne took another bite of pancake her sister said, “That’s right Roseanne, take another shot of pancake.” Maybe food is my addiction, lord knows I have a never ending love affair with food, as well as sex, but is that as bad as indulging, to the very depths of hell with alcohol or drugs, with gambling or some other vice that will tear apart the very fabric of your life as well as the others around you? Honestly, I don’t know anymore. I have always felt that my being over weight has only affected me, but I have come to realize how much it has affected my children. My kids were actually picked on for my being overweight. What kind of person raises a child to be that cruel? This is the real crux of the matter. Whenever I see someone misbehaving, stealing, cheating, lying my first question is, “Who the fuck raised you?” All I know, is my mother would have slapped me if I had behaved in such a manner. These days, well were supposed to accept everyone and everything in every situation. (You can’t see me, but I’m actually shaking my head “no” as I type this sentence) to which I say no!
This brings me back to the question, why do I attract dysfunctional people? The answer is, because I am a caregiver. I can’t help myself. I see someone in need and I instinctively do all that I can to help them even if I know that they are suffering at their own hands. Does that make me a terrible person? Yes, and no. Yes, because I help perpetuate the situation and no, because they may actually need my help. Now here’s the rub, who do I go to when I need help if I am the enabler? Thank god I do have an excellent support system. People who will be there at 4 am when my life has been blown to smithereens, people who will be at my side when a parent dies, people who will bring me soup when I am not feeling well. However, these people have never been “the man in my life”. No, these have been my friends and my one brother. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Maybe one day, I will find that incredible someone who will take that responsibility off your plate, but until that faithful day, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
While I’m at it, no matter how hard it is being an enabler, I’m very proud to say, “You’re welcome.”
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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