I can’t even remember how long ago I made this statement, to my very dear friend who was going through some personal challenges at the time, but I said to her, “In the year 2020, everything will be clear.” I figured it was good to give her a timeline to focus on and it made sense to me, considering 20/20 vision, “does not necessarily mean you have perfect vision. 20/20 vision only indicates the sharpness or clarity of vision at a distance,” according to the American Optometric Association.
I grew up watching Sesame Street. One of my favorite animations of theirs referred to this subject matter. The video begins with a close up of an ant carrying a crumb and as the song goes on, the camera pulls back further and further until we see the universe, all the stars and planets… infinity. The song states, “That’s about the size, where you put your eyes, that’s about the size of it.” VIDEO: http://bit.ly/120BjUV
I have referred to this song time and time again throughout my life. Such a profound statement to learn at an early age. “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.” “There are at least three sides to every story.” “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” I’m certain there are more quotes that refer to this subject matter, but you get the idea. We all have different opinions, we all come from different backgrounds and experiences that affect our view of a particular situation, our memories, our feelings and more importantly, our actions.
My son once told me that at a very early age, such as 2 or 3, we have had enough life experiences that when something happens that we do not fully understand, our memories will fill in the blanks so we can comprehend and cope. I find that very intriguing indeed. It makes me wonder what happened to me, what did I see or hear at some point in my life that makes me have such strong opinions about certain matters? I have dug my heels in when it comes to someone suggesting that I make a “change” in my life. I get so angry, scared, or obstinate I may actually put up my hand as to say, “Stop!”. I hate change, even though it is inevitable, I hate it just the same. I know what you’re thinking, if I embrace it then I will create a more bountiful future or whatever for myself. I get it, but I still don’t like it.
I recall being told, “I know the last thing you want to hear is that you will need to change, before you can heal and move on with your life.” when it came to accepting the end of my marriage. Why do I have to change? I’m not the one that was an alcoholic, drug addict, adulterating bastard! I realize that it takes two to tango, but 97.3% of the cause of my marriage’s demise was him, so why do I have to change? I hate change! But, change is what I did so that I may heal and move forward with my life. I remember listening to other women in my support group who were still incredibly bitter after 15 years of being divorced and I knew that I didn’t want to be like them, so I changed. I changed the recordings in my head and I prayed for his help and guidance as well as for the woman who he chose to be with instead of me, and I threw myself in there for good measure. It wasn’t easy, but I managed to find my way out of the vicious circle of hate and blame and moved forward.
I often wonder what happened to my ex in his lifetime that shaped him to make the choices that he did. I know that substance and physical abuse were well known to him throughout his childhood, so one could state that he didn’t know any better, but he did. He was very well educated, and would constantly remind me of that fact, so he knew one does not “try” heroin, but becomes addicted, so why do it? Near the very end of his living under the same roof as the boys and I, he commented on how much he was going to miss my cooking and the way I iron his clothes just the way he likes, and all the things I do to keep our home pleasant to live in. So, I asked him, “What is so wonderful about this drug that it is worth giving up your family and your life as you know it?” To this day, his response sickens me. “Do you want to try it?” Of course I do not want to try it and that is why we could not remain together. I will never understand what brings a person to addiction to something that destroys not only the person who is taking it, but everything around them.
The only way I survived, the only way I could forgive and move on with my life was to embrace the idea that he has a disease. However, he did not choose to get help, that is until he became homeless, living under a bridge near death. Then and only then, did he think that he may need some help. Before then, no. He was too smart, he could handle it, he was different, better than everyone else that had used drugs, but he was not. We haven’t communicated in a number of years, but I wish him well. I hold no hatred nor regrets towards him. After all, he was my first love, the only man I had given myself to for the first 40 years of my life, and part of the reason I am who I am today. Because I have changed my perspective of what happened to me, to what I allowed to happen to me, I am better equipped at handling life’s challenges.
I find myself facing crossroads more and more frequently these days. Situations that are forcing me to make a change or at least consider a change in hopes of finding happiness, satisfaction, survival. It is not easy for me to change my focus, to try and see the big picture, to have sharpness and clarity at a distance, but I must try. Otherwise, I will once again be caught in another vicious circle of my own making. I am focusing on my health: mental, physical, financial, spiritual… health, good health. There is so much that is beyond my control that I feel I am being attack by these days, but I know if I am to achieve good health, the only thing I have control over is myself. I still hate change, with a passion. It scares me, petrifies me, I can literally feels someones hands wrapped around my throat, choking the life out of me. Who is doing this to me? Why is this happening? What have I done to deserve this? Then I realize, it’s me. I’m doing this to myself and I don’t have to, I really don’t. So why am I doing it? That is why I’m writing this blog, to try and figure out some things about myself.
I want to change my focus, to achieve sharpness and clarity at a distance and, right in front of my face. I’m hoping to stop being The Girl from Ipanema and finally see all that is around me, to realize my potential and possibly take some of you folks along with me for the ride. I am asking for help and guidance and maybe for the first time, actually listening and acting on what I am being told. I have kept up on my rowing, I am starting to focus on my caloric intake, I have stepped away from “my drug of choice” and I am more seriously considering other options in my life. I need to be open to the possibilities, explore my options carefully and not allow an outside force to control my destiny. I am the creator of my own reality and no matter what may have happened to me in my lifetime, that may be a reason why I am the way I am, it’s not an excuse, not anymore. I can choose a different path, no matter how frightened I may be, I know where the path I have been on will take me and I don’t want to go there any longer. Change is scary, but it is inevitable. Come here you big change. I’m going to hug you and kiss you and make you mine so that we may live happily ever after.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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