Circles

I’ve never been good at math. Actually, the way I became close to my ex-husband was that he was my math tutor, so one might say that I’m really bad at math. However, my son is very good at math and he likes to share his knowledge with me. One of the pearls of wisdom he shared recently is that the area of a circle is pi r2. He drew me a picture to help me understand, but what stuck with me was his statement, “So, without pi, you’re missing something.” Me being me thought, “Yum, pie! of course you’re missing something without pie.” I don’t think that was his point, but it made me smile.

He also explained that radius equals the center of the circle to its edge. r2 is too small so you have to multiple it by something to get the area of a circle. He ended by saying that when you think about things in terms of mathematics, it gives your perspective. Things actually do make sense, but you have to look at them differently. If you look at the units, it works out. For some reason, when he tells me such things, I feel like I’ve been given the answer, the meaning of life or at least a small portion of it. I’d like to explore what came to mind with his little math lesson.

I look at life as a series of circles, some overlapping others not. Throughout my life I have been a part of many circles: my immediate family; aunts, uncles, cousins; schoolmates; friends; co-workers; and lovers. Many of these circles overlap making groups of their own, but for some reason I have always felt like I was in a circle all by myself, a group of one. I can feel quite alone in a room full of people, but I don’t believe I feel lonely, I’m just alone. I fully realize that I have the support of family and friends, but the reality is, I am on this journey alone.

In terms of math, I am the radius, the center of a circle reaching out to the edge. I can feel it and there is a sense of security in knowing that it is there, but there is something missing. I try to increase, or multiple my reach with something: friendship, love, sex, education, faith, hard work so that I may truly know the area of my circle, to know its depth, its meaning, its purpose. No matter the multiplier, I still feel there is something missing. Possibly, my perspective is not correct because I am using the incorrect multiplier.

Too many times I have used sex as the multiplier and my circle feels more incomplete than ever. I love to be in love, but if I truly examine the relationships I have participated in, I don’t know that I can honestly say that I have been loved in return. I feel that I was cared for, but I do not feel that anyone has ever truly been in love with me. I have never experienced a relationship where if I said that I wanted to end the partnership, they would have fought to keep me. No, instead I have only experienced relationships where if I were to say “We’re done.” the response would be, “Okay, see ya.” I don’t believe that is how it’s supposed to work. Therefore, no one has ever been truly in love with me.

If I try to use family or schoolmates as the multiplier, I am bombarded with memories and feelings of exclusion, isolation and frustration. I am the bonus baby in my family. My siblings are all much older than I, so their childhood was much different than mine. I have always felt that it was me and them, I was an only child with siblings. Sometimes I would try to be part of the family unit, but even though we are all considered Baby Boomers, their timeline is very different than mine. Their formative years were the 50’s and early 60’s (Mid Century Modern), mine was the late 60’s and 70’s. Maybe this is why I have such a fascination with MCM, I wanted to be a part of their family unit, but I just wasn’t. Our childhood references are so different and they all moved out of the house during the 70’s while I was still playing with dolls. Our circles overlap like a Venn Diagram, my parents in one circle, their children in the other, but I would be in the space where the circles overlap, in a space all on my own.

It’s not difficult to fathom that I was the last one chosen for sides of kickball at school. I’m not athletic at all and I was the fat girl with glasses, but I was also a child who appeared to be born with a chip on her shoulder. I really don’t remember getting along with most anyone. I was mouthy and angry, never could be the cheerleader type, but I did manage to be friendly with a few kids who were brave enough to be seen with me. One year, I was so excited that I was invited to a birthday party, but then I realized that all the girls in my class had been invited so that took away the thrill. Still, I was happy to be a part of something, to see what the “normal” kids were doing. Then I went back to my own little circle and played with my dolls and Barbies, imagining a life of being included, popular and loved.

Co-workers seems like a more probable choice, but there again I find that may not be the best option because of the chain of command and the needs of the business coming first. No surprise, I enjoy being in charge. I like making things happen, being the director, leading the group, planning the work and working the plan. In the past, I have tried to be friends with my subordinates, but that bit me in the ass, so I have learned to keep a safe distance, a buffer between myself and my co-workers. I have learned to be friendly, but not friends. Well, that’s a lie, I feel like they are friends and share my life experiences with them. I try to learn more about their lives, but I’m not very good at paying attention to all they may tell me because I’m so focused on work. Once again, those overlapping circles come into play, my superiors in one, my subordinates in the other and I in the middle where the circles overlap. I feel that I am part of a team, but in the end, I am the one that will be held accountable, so I need not allow friendship to color my judgement. The needs of the business come first, but I do my best to honor my team’s needs and desires. I am told that I am very fair, maybe too fair, but I want to be a liked leader, not a despised one. I want to be the type of leader people will actually follow. Therefore, I lead by example. No man is an island and it takes a village, so there is no job I wouldn’t do myself, but I need to delegate and I do so fairly. Not to be included, but to avoid being excluded.

Faith, a scary subject indeed and one I’d rather keep to myself and so I avoid using it. I was raised Catholic, but I now consider myself a recuperating Catholic. However, I admit there were times that being a part of a religious circle or community was comforting. It gave me someplace to run to for shelter and protection from the storm of my life. The leaders of the separated and divorced support group through my church have become pseudo parents of mine. I gave them a doormat that states, “Peace to All that Enter” because no matter how crazy and distraught I was when I entered their home, I always left feeling better. The day my divorce was final, I ran to them. I hadn’t physically seen my now ex-husband in years and received my divorce without him being present. I thought it would be a matter of going to court, going through the formalities and heading into work as if nothing important had happened. I was wrong. I completely fell apart and called off at work. I drove to their home looking for a safe haven. They were headed out to do Christmas shopping and invited me to join them. They took me out for comfort food and allowed me to be a part of their beautiful and supportive circle for the day. I found myself feeling so safe that I fell asleep in the backseat of their car as we drove from store to store during the snow globe of a day. I may not have a strong religious faith, but I have faith in people who walk the talk. My pseudo parents, walk the talk and when I am with them, I am in their circle not an intersection of faith and them, I am with them. How blessed am I to know such people, thank you, thank you, thank you.

To be continued…

#thelieswechoosetolivewith