Wow, I haven’t written in a week? Life is like that. We seem to be a on a path, everything is going along swimmingly and then suddenly, it’s not. We may be presented with a series of challenges or paths to choose from and suddenly, we find ourselves on one different than we originally set out on. Sometimes, I look back and wonder what my life would be like if I had made different choices way back when. Some may think it’s not healthy to do so, but I beg to differ. I find the whole idea of a “do over” very intriguing. Would I have ended up someplace very different than I am now or would the different paths have led me here just the same?
I am a Trekkie. I enjoyed Star Trek: The Next Generation and one of my favorite episodes is entitled Parallels. Without going into great detail, after Worf returns from a tournament, he is the only person who notices subtle changes on the Enterprise. He begins to experience all the different realities of his life in alternative universes. One choice different than what he recalls actually making, has led one of his realities down an entirely different path. We discover that there are hundreds or thousands of different realities coexisting unaware of one another. One decision leads to another set of multiple choices and the number of paths one may take becomes infinite.
One of the earliest choices I recall making that may have changed my life dramatically was the decision to not play on the grade school volleyball team. It was eighth grade and unbelievably, not only did I try out for the volleyball team, I actually made it. I was thrilled beyond belief, until I found out that I would have to wear white shorts as part of the uniform. Not only was I fearful of having my stretch mark covered legs exposed, back in the day, I had horrifying monthlies. I could not take the chance of having to wear white shorts during that time of the month and risk being publicly humiliated. I remember going to my teacher and sadly telling him that I could not be on the team. He seemed very disappointed in my decision, but there was no possible way I could tell him why without feeling a fool.
I often wonder, if that one decision set me up for continuing on my path of low self esteem and for settling for less than I should have. IF I had played on the team, would I have lost weight and become more popular? Would I have done well and developed a stronger sense of self worth? Would I have met people from different schools and therefore expanded my horizons? If that were the case, would I have married who I did because I felt like I was never going to have another opportunity to have children? OR did I avoid possible humiliation from not only my schoolmates, but those from other schools therefore saving myself from plunging into an even deeper depression than I was already living with? It’s hard to say. The person I am now would have considered asking my teacher if I could wear something other than white shorts, but I wasn’t this person yet, not nearly at all.
Another pivotal moment in my life was right before I got married. Not only had I ended a relationship with a man I was deeply in love with to marry someone I was actually afraid of, I took a pass on a possible career move. I make a pretty good cheesecake, some folks would say a damn good one at that. I had an opportunity to begin selling it through a catalog the summer before I wed. I had plans of getting married, moving out of state and starting a family, so I turned the opportunity down. This was at a time when cheesecake was all that and I could have possibly done very well with the venture, but I chose a different path, one that led me away from food service and into motherhood. Some would say that I could have possibly done both, but not with the man I was married to. His self destructive behavior would have never allowed me the freedom to do such. It was exhausting enough to raise my children and run around with a pillow trying to prevent him from falling. Being the mother of two children and an enabler didn’t allow time for much else. It was exhausting, but I wonder if I could have been the next Eli’s Cheesecake. Eh, I chose to be an excellent mom instead. Besides, the idea of making all those cheesecakes day after day made me cringe. However, I still wonder where that path may have led.
When I think about these possible lost opportunities, I don’t get sad or angry. Instead, I think about all the wonderful people I do have in my life and how they may not be there if I hadn’t made those choices when I did. I may still have children, but they wouldn’t be the same people I adore today. Is it possible that I could have had my own successful business? Sure, but I wouldn’t know the amazing folks I have encountered along the path of working in the natural foods industry that I have. Besides, in a way I do get to run my own business, I just do it with someone else’s money. I’m good with that. I enjoy being in charge, but I don’t know that I would enjoy having the weight of the company of my shoulders.
Everything I have gone through, all that I have survived has led me to this moment, a moment when I have the clarity to know that I am who I should be. Yes, I have hopes of accomplishing more with my career, of knowing what it is like to live someplace other than the only home I have ever known and even more so, to do it with a man who cherishes me. In the meantime, I enjoy exploring my thoughts and memories and sharing them though the written word. I have a career that allows me the time and finances to share them with all who choose to read them. I am privileged to live in a home that is comfortable and filled with many cherished memories as well as my MCM/Tiki stuffs that make me smile.
Do I wish I could have a “Do Over”? Sometimes, but not really. It would be nice to have a crystal ball that would allow me to see those alternative realities and where a different decision would have led me. However, I have a feeling that no matter my career choices, where I might have ended up living, with whom I would have had experiences with, all roads would have led me here. I may be a whirlwind of emotions, overweight and without a significant other, but I am an amazing spirit, healthy and not alone, not by a long shot. In all my infinite realities I would still be what I am today, what I am meant to be. I am a communicator, a recorder, a storyteller named Groovy Gail.
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