I receive daily emails from the lady I’ve been listening to about weight loss. The title of yesterday’s email was Don’t set a goal weight. The main idea behind it was: “I got focused on the goal PERSON instead of the goal WEIGHT.” I haven’t been listening to her podcasts lately, but just reading this little email helped motivate me. On Wednesday, I ate too much from Culver’s and I really began to question my reasons for doing so. Why did I even buy myself two sandwiches instead of one? I mean, even if I really wanted, I could drive back and get another one. Why did I sabotage myself from the get go?
I talked to my therapist about this and I think it may have something to do with it how I have a need to be independent or autonomous. I feel some sense of power by being able to order more than I really need. I don’t know why, but I do. This is something I need to focus on. Why do I have a need to buy more food all the time? I can easily not buy more clothing, jewelry most anything else, but I always over buy food. Sure, I could blame it on my mom somehow with her constant reminder about how hard she had it as a kid, her “Better eat now because you don’t know where your next meal is coming from.” mantra, but that was never my situation as a child nor now, so why do I buy so much food?
It may have something to do with always being in debt and somehow food was a treat, the one thing I could justify spending money no matter how broke I was because well, you need to eat, right? The thing is, I really wanted the Culver’s fish sandwich and I very much enjoyed it. I also bought myself a bacon cheeseburger because my son had asked for one, along with chicken tenders (see, I taught him the 2 sandwiches shit too) and it sounded tasty. I ate the fish sandwich first, because that was what I really wanted and I justified that I can always eat the burger later, save it for later was what I should have done, but I didn’t. Instead I almost force fed myself the burger. I was not full when I finished my fish sandwich, but I know if I had stopped eating, I would no longer be hungry, but I didn’t stop. Instead of being happy with myself that I actually ate what I really wanted, I ate more of something that did not bring me joy. I think it was a sort of “I’ll show you!” mentality that pushed me to eat it. It wasn’t as tasty as I thought it would be, but I still ate it. Why?
My Dad used to pick on me with this statement so I can only assume it was my response to a lot of what he said to me, “You can’t tell me what to do!” He would mock me with that one and something I do recall saying, “You don’t care whether I live or die!” Yes, I’ve always been a drama queen, there’s no denying that one, but why eat when I have no hunger? Control. I have always felt a need to have control of my life. I have always struggled with finances, just like my family which affects many other things in my life, but I could always afford to eat, go out to eat, order, no over order from the menu to give me a sense of power, control, being elite. A “You can’t tell me not to order too much food.” defiance. Maybe eating too much is my way of being definite…hmm.
I think that is why I’m having so much trouble with this mandatory order to wear a mask in public. I literally shut down at work when I heard about it. I sat in my office, fighting back the tears and feeling sick to my stomach. I thought to myself, “The last time I checked, I live in America! You can’t tell me what to do! You can’t tell me what to do!”, but they can. That realization sickened me and it brings tears to my eyes as I write this. I want to believe the statement, “You have no power over me.” from the movie The Labyrinth, but they do. They being my government, my employer, even my family and friends. Worse of all, any man I’ve ever been in a relationship with had complete and total control over me, because I let him. John and I ate a lot, “Order whatever you want babe.”, so I did. Too many times we ate until we were going to burst. We kept making promises to not order so much, to share plates or at least take home leftovers, but we didn’t. We kept stuffing ourselves and over-ordering food because we would reason, we know that’s what were capable of eating. Didn’t mean we should eat that much, but we did, over and over again for nine years.
Is it a way of numbing myself to the reality of my dysfunction? Is it a way of being in control? I suppose that’s what I really need to work on instead of focusing on a number on the scale. If I’m hungry, I should eat. If I’m not, I should not eat. Is it really that simple? Most likely, it is. I hate relinquishing control, but I do it to myself every day. Anytime I over-eat, I’m relinquishing control to some demon that dwells deep inside my psyche. Maybe someday I will be able to find that son of a bitch and kill it, but until then I need to tell it, “You can’t tell me what to do!” just like I told my father so many times. I need to yell and walk away, stomping my feet in defiance and really mean it this time.
As for the mask thing, I’ll just pretend that I’m some S&M queen and I’m being paid to do this shit. We’ve been wearing them at work for the past couple of weeks and I can honestly say, I am not getting used to it. It’s difficult to breathe, especially when working a load of groceries. I have team members that are having serious issues with wearing one so I have ordered them face shields. It will take a week to get to us, but they said that they are grateful to know that help is on the way. I’m doing all I can to support the mandates, but at the end of the day, I feel it is my duty to support the well being, in the true sense, of my team. We are not a one size fits all society and I think many people have forgotten that. I guess the needs of the majority outweigh the needs of the few, but not in my domain. When I see the look of hopelessness in the eyes of my team members who are truly having a hard time with wearing a mask, not like me just feeling a need to be in control, my heart aches.
I can’t wait till I have the distinct pleasure of telling a customer I cannot allow them into the store without a mask. That’s when I’m really going to have to bring out the S&M queen thing. I will hear them loud and clear as they protest by saying, “You can’t tell me what to do!” However, I can and “they” can and sometimes we just have to suck it up buttercup, no matter how much we hate it.
This is when I will really need to focus on becoming my “goal person”. I will need to find in myself a way to show compassion for people I do not know like the way I do for my team. No matter my opinions or personal beliefs, my “goal person” understands the situation. It’s not a matter of me relinquishing control, it’s more a matter of me controlling the only thing I have control over, myself.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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