Processing

Six months ago I was processing not having a man in my life and how John lied to me for nine years. I whined about my life long struggle with being overweight and how it defines me as a human being in the eyes of society. Today, I laughed hysterically when I thought about those simpler times.

So much has happened in the past six months that I am finding it difficult to process it all. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still trying to process the not having a man in my life, the lie I lived for nine years and the struggle with my weight, but I’ve added to it the health crisis and shelter in place situation in America and most recently, the fear and anger I’m feeling about our current situation.

I’m not going to go into details about this all because I do not wish to use this blog to discuss politics. Basically, I rarely discuss politics with anyone at anytime because there is too much I do not understand and have no desire to add more to the layers of responsibility I have in my life by arguing with those whose minds I will never be able to change. My beliefs are my own and that is the way I choose to keep them. However, my stress level has quadrupled in the past few months and soared even higher today as we decided to close our store early and get to safety.

Driving home, I suffered from tunnel vision as I encountered traffic from police barricades. My mind zeroed in on not only getting home without having an accident, but stopping to fill my gas tank just in case I needed to get the hell out of dodge. I made it through the traffic and got to a local gas station just before it closed. As I pulled into the garage, my feelings of panic and fear began to surge. I let out a little yelp as I dragged myself into the house, locked the door and stood there, my head leaning on the door for support from the emotional exhaustion I had just experienced. My son stood at the top of the stairs and asked me how I was doing. I can’t even remember if I responded, but he said in a sarcastic tone, “That good, huh?”

I managed to get up the back porch stairs and pour myself a glass of wine. I don’t know if that is what did it, but I developed a terrible headache. I have a feeling my blood pressure was up, something I had felt while at work today. There were moments when my head was swimming as I struggled to stay focused on the task at hand. I had to process orders and invoices, process schedules and next moves. I felt like I was living the spinning wheel of blue death one experiences when their computer is trying to download a large amount of information and the system just can’t handle it. My mind simply could not keep up with all the input of information and it was stuck, spinning round and round, freezing momentarily, but fortunately never going to the blue screen of death, total shut down.

After having a bite to eat, I took a nap. I didn’t mean to sleep for 2 hours, but I guess my mind needed to reboot after the stressful hours of trying to process information that does not compute. Upon awakening, I started to search for answers, live news, something to tell me what is going on around me at this very moment, but I wasn’t very successful. However, I did realize that where I live was experiencing an early curfew. I had no where to go, but this news was unsettling. What mayhem was I avoiding by staying home? What evil was I avoiding by sitting in my little haven of palm trees, pineapples and pink flamingos?

I tried to search once more for current news to no avail and instead of continuing the search, I decided to write. As I sit hear listening to the peaceful wind chimes in my backyard and the trickle of the fountain, daylight falls and my solar lights pierce the darkness of the night. I sit here trying to process what is happening in my tiny little corner of the world. Then, my son pops in and tells me that he has been researching compost toilets. He begins to describe in quite a bit of detail, how they work with the separation of urine and fecal matter and the process it entails to become compost. As usual, my mind wanders as he shares with me his new found knowledge and I think about how my mind is trying to process all the shit and other waste I feel being flung at me at this moment. How maybe if I layer it all with sawdust or peat moss it will be transformed into something useful and enriching, but I am doubtful.

Once again, I am able to focus on the enchanting sounds of my tiny backyard of hope. The chimes singing with the winds of change, the trickle of water that provides refreshment for the winged wildlife of the neighborhood. In the background, I hear the distant traffic going about its business as usual, a sound I have heard for decades and find comfort in knowing that life goes on and on and on no matter how much fecal matter we need to process in our small lives. The winds will continue to blow and bring about change of various fashions. Change that I will need to process and will hopefully lead me to the answers I so desperately need to find.

I do not know what tomorrow may bring, but I will continue to be hopeful that I will be able to process it all and that I will experience less of the spinning wheel of blue death and completely avoid the blue screen of death. I will find the answers or they will find me as long as I can hear the distance traffic buzz along and the trickle of my little fountain. The chimes have stopped for a moment, but time will not. Change is inevitable and there is hope that the change will allow us all to reboot, upgrade and process more easily.

Be well and stay safe my friends.