My son and I have begun family therapy. I was a little leery at first, but so far, so good. I feel positive about the steps we are taking to communicate more and share activities that are mutually enjoyable. Last night, we watched a movie I was familiar with, but I don’t believe I had ever viewed. Pan’s Labyrinth is a 2006 fantasy film that takes place in 1944 Spain. There is a murdering sadistic stepfather, a frail pregnant mother who means well and an 11 year old girl who loves to read fairy tales. The girl’s real father has passed away and as it turns out, the fairy tale in the film gets intertwined with her real life situation. Of course, there is a labyrinth in the story and a creepy, yet oddly sexy faun who guides her through a series of challenges to return to her rightful position as a princess in her father’s kingdom of long ago. In the fantasy world, there is a crazy ass looking monster whose eyes are in the palms of its hands. It has to hold them up to its face to be able to see. Otherwise, it is blind, stumbling around, yet still a viable threat. In the real world, there are the soldiers and the rebels that live in the woods. Both groups hold their beliefs to be the only true ones to follow and will do anything to fight for them. In a nutshell, all your basics of storytelling are present; good vs. evil, monsters and a princess, a cause, a journey, and a moral to be learned.
The entire film is dark in nature, so much happens in the shadows that one cannot clearly see intent nor what lies ahead. There are spells and tests of bravery and one keeps hoping for a fairy tale ending, but in the end (spoiler alert) the mother dies as well as the little girl and that is how she makes her way to her father’s kingdom to be reunited with her parents and become a princess. The movie is about the importance of moral disobedience. Each choice that is made by the little girl or the band of rebels holds serious consequences, but we are led to believe that in the end, all will be right with the world.
After the movie ended, I dragged my tired stressed-out self up to bed in the darkness of our dimly lit home. I couldn’t help but feel that somehow I am living in a fairy tale, facing a series of challenges to test my endurance. So many times I have reflected on my life and wondered if this is just a test. My mind goes back to those TV and radio announcements that used to pop up frequently, a loud high-pitched obnoxious tone followed by the familiar phrase, “This is a test. This station is conducting a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. This is only a test. If this had been an actual emergency, the Attention Signal you just heard would have been followed by official information, news, or instructions.” Remember that sound? That startling sound that would interrupt your viewing or listening pleasure and either annoy you or jar you into a state of panic? Yes, that sound. That is the sound that has been encircling my grey matter periodically throughout my life, but almost daily of late.
I have heard that sound in my mind when my mother died, when my marriage ended, when my father died and when the lies about John were revealed to me. I have heard that sound when I have had to face the challenges of being a single mother and figuring out how to guide my children through life without doing irreparable damage to their minds. I have heard that sound and thought to myself, “This is only a test. Somehow, I am trapped in some sort of lab experiment and I am being tested.” What will she do next? Will this be her final breaking point, or will she continue on bravely to face her next challenge in hopes of making it to the finish line and the coveted piece of cheese/chalice/eternal life (insert prize of choice)?
Maybe I’m trapped in a labyrinth? According to Google, “A labyrinth is an ancient symbol that relates to wholeness. It combines the imagery of the circle and the spiral into a meandering but purposeful path. The Labyrinth represents a journey to our own center and back again out into the world.” For the most part, my labyrinth has been filled with beautiful peaceful hedges of towering green that can be intimidating, but not threatening. I have been able to stroll along its twist and turns and when I hit a dead end, safely turn around and try a new direction. Other times I have come face to face with danger and those green hedges turn black and engulfing. Some of the dangers I had created myself through a series of poor decisions. Then, there are dangers that are not of my own making, the blind stumbling monster comes to mind. To me, I see that monster whenever I am being faced with moral choices not of my making, but those that are being forced upon me and I must defend my beliefs or be defeated by theirs. Do I run in fear, desperately looking for a safe path? Or do I plow through the fear, sword in hand, crossbow flung across my back and attempt to conquer my nemesis?
Like the story in Pan’s Labyrinth both of my parents are deceased, but I have no desire to join them readily. I am not searching for a way to take my rightful place as princess in some idyllic kingdom, I’m just trying to peacefully enjoy my physical existence. I have been blessed with an “easy” life compared to others to which I am eternally grateful, but by no means do I live a “charmed” life. Does anyone? Probably not. Still, I find myself growing weary of the battle that continues to impede my path to wholeness. I am not a rebel or a soldier, nor do I wish to be. I’m just a woman looking for love (in all the wrong places), in hopes of sharing a beautiful MCM home with someone who “gets me” and live happily ever after.
Hopefully, it will become my reality, not just exist in a land far, far away. Until that faithful day, I will keep treading forward and remember to breath, in hopes of taking my rightful place in the kingdom of my making. Although I may become annoyed or panicked when I hear that horrible, loud high-pitched obnoxious tone, I will raise my sword and remember as I lunge forward into the shadows of uncertainty, this is a test, this is only a test and like the ones I’ve taken before, I will pass. Failure is not an option.
#thelieswechosetolivewith
2 Comments
Leave your reply.