Frustrated

When my son was an infant, he was a thumb sucker. From the get go, he would search for his elusive thumb for comfort. One time, he was crying and crying, waving his tiny fists in fury unable to figure out what he needed to do to stop being so frustrated. I took his little hand and gently guided his thumb to his mouth and instantaneously, he found comfort and his frustration vanished. So many times I wish I could find that instant gratification, but more times than not, it eludes me. Where to begin? This subject matter is all encompassing from my struggle with weight loss to work to finding a mate, I am constantly frustrated. In the immortal words of Mick Jagger, “I can’t get no satisfaction.”

Weight loss: I can starve myself, work out like a fiend and actually gain weight in a given day. What’s a girl gotta do? I know, I know exactly what I have to do, but I’m not willing to do it anymore. I focus on eating better and exercising more and some days there is a pay off, but more days there is not. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that this is who I am, always have been and most likely always will be. I used to dream that I would lose the weight and be the next famous weight loss guru like Richard Simpson or Susan Powter, that would be how I would make my millions and live happily ever after. Well, that didn’t happen. Actually, I woke up on my birthday and thought to myself, I am now 56 years old and I’m still fat. So I got myself a fabulous omelette with a side of pancakes and went to work.

Work: I learned a long time ago that I cannot make everyone happy all of the time, but that doesn’t stop me from trying. Between customer comments and complaints, scheduling requests and project deadlines I am constantly compromising myself in the name of keeping the peace. If I actually tried to do all that is asked of me I would be insane by now, but I cling to a sliver of sanity by learning to say no from time to time. If it is not in the best interest of the business, then no. If I can make it happen, I will make it happen. If not, then no. Better yet, I have learned to delegate, but that doesn’t stop me from trying to do as much as I possibly can in a given day. I take pride in being able to report to my superiors that something they are requesting of me is done already, done yesterday. I try to keep one step ahead of the game in hopes of improving our business, keeping the team happy and the customers satisfied. However, there is a price to be paid for such diligence and it can be rather frustrating when I find that I am still at work when I should have left an hour ago and I keep seeing more and more that should be done that might be able to wait until tomorrow, but I want to stay ahead of the game so the viscous circle goes round and round until I reach the point where I just have to stop before I die…frustrated.

Finding a mate: I’ve never been one to be satisfied with a cup of yogurt or a small salad, fuck that shit! If I’m not going to enjoy what I eat, I’d rather not eat at all, but that leads to headaches and brain fog, so sometimes I do settle for the cup of yogurt or small salad, but I’m not satisfied. Do the girls who are satisfied by a cup of yogurt get the guy? Sadly, more times than not the answer is yes. Too many times in my life I have been gaga about a guy and they seem all friendly like, but the reality is they are not interested in me. They are speaking to me so they can get intel or be in close proximity to a skinny friend. It’s happened to me time and time again. In grade school I would hang out with the guys and the girls would be jealous. I would tell them that they are not interested in me, they are asking me about you. Same thing in high school and in college, it was worse. I would walk into a room with a skinny friend and she would get all of the attention and I would get a “Oh, hi Gail.” Many years later I found out the reason that would happen was because she had slept with every guy in the room, but I didn’t know that and odds are it wouldn’t have made a difference, I was nice to talk to, but that was the extent of their interest in me.

I’m learning to be content with all that I do have. I’m in relatively good health, I have a job I enjoy and I know that I am not willing to settle for anything less than a mutually loving, honest and committed relationship. However, it’s still so frustrating when I see people be thin without effort, folks who are able to to accomplish as much, if not more than me in an eight hour work day and when a man I would love to have a chance with hangs with me so he can be in close proximity to a skinny friend that simply is not interested in him, it’s frustrating. In those moments, I hang my head in despair and then the rage rushes to the surface. No amount of thumb sucking could vanquish the frustration of feeling dejected and mediocre.

I remember, this too shall pass, but it doesn’t, not really. These feelings of being unworthy are always dwelling somewhere in this messy tangle of emotions and memories of my grey matter. I wonder if I will ever be cherished for being the person I am right here, right now. Then again, maybe the person I am right here, right now simply isn’t ready to be cherished. I have a lot of work to do, not at my place of business, not with my weight, but with my stinkin’ thinkin’. Only then will I ever find true happiness and stop being so frustrated.

#thelieswechoosetolivewith