Empty

The other day, I told a friend that I felt empty. She immediately assumed it to be a negative and said that I was not. Empty is defined as containing nothing, vacant, unoccupied. I don’t believe that that is necessarily a bad thing. Or is it?

There have been numerous times in my life that I realized that I was attempting to fill the emptiness in my life with “things”. When my marriage ended and I didn’t have a father figure for my kids, I tried to fill their lives with toys and things we really couldn’t afford, but I wanted them to have something to fill the void we were all experiencing. I suppose I reasoned that if I filled the void, there wouldn’t be so much pain and sadness. Of course, in hindsight I now realize that the piles of toys were just bandages not cures. It probably would have been better to let the holes in our lives to remain empty. Maybe that way they would have healed properly instead of experiencing the scars of debt and lack of closure.

It is good to purge our digestive tract and our minds from time to time. Fasting is supposed to improve our health, giving our bodies a clean slate to work with. When we meditate, we are clearing our minds of all the garbage that may be holding us back from experiencing true enlightenment. Both types of cleansing leave us hungry, starving for fulfillment and hopefully, we fill those voids with healthier choices like whole foods and peaceful thoughts. The purging is supposed to lessen our cravings for foods and thoughts that are detrimental to our well being. Sometimes it works, for awhile, but those cravings are very difficult to fend off. Sometimes it’s feels like actual torture to deny ourselves those detrimental foods and thoughts and we break the fast to satisfy the craving. For a moment, we feel so good, we feel whole again and we wonder why we deprived ourselves to begin with. The feeling of elation may linger, but more times than not it vanishes quickly when we realize that we are causing more damage than good and feeling “full” of those things we had just successfully purged ourselves of, is not what we truly want after all.

There are definitely times when “empty” is not a good experience, an empty roll of toilet paper comes to mind. An empty gas tank, refrigerator, bank account, all of these situations can lead to stress and anxiety that can lead to seriously unhealthy consequences. Too many times in my life have I experienced the fear associated with these types of situations and I found myself trying to fill the voids with not only unhealthy, but even possibly dangerous responses. Worst of all was when I felt void of love and attention. I tried to fill my emptiness with very false forms of attention that led me to feeling even more empty when the momentary thrill was gone. Thankfully, at least for the moment I have stopped that viscous cycle. My addiction will always be with me, just like any other addiction and my struggle to avoid false adoration is something I battle on a daily basis. It would be so easy to slip back into the “habit” of getting a “hit” and experience that intense “high” of obtaining a man’s attention. Thinking about it gets me giddy, for a moment and then reality rushes back in and I remember how unfulfilling those thrill rides really were and how at the end of the day, I was more alone than ever.

Remaining empty can be spiritually uplifting. Clearing my head of the “what ifs” leaves plenty of room for the “why nots”. Maybe the empty warning light that flashes on my mental dashboard isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Maybe it’s an indicator that I’m ready for what lies ahead instead of a reminder of what I have lost or never had to begin with. When I feel empty these days, I believe it is more a sense of peace instead of angst. Feeling empty is like being a blank canvas, full of potential and possibilities. Running on empty has taught me that it can be productive, but the results are usually unimpressive. Instead, I have learned that I need to honor my empty gauge and stop spinning my wheels which only leads to exhaustion and disappointment.

I am empty and that is not necessarily a bad thing. The fact that I am honoring the emptiness instead of trying to feverishly fill it with “something” or “anything” is a good sign. I’m willing to realize that I can no longer keep pushing myself to be or to feel something that may not be in my best interest just because I think it’s something I’m supposed to be or feel. No, I think being empty is an opportunity for the something I’m supposed to be or feel to find me. By being empty, I am remaining still and quiet and by doing so, I am seeing and hearing more than I usually do. By being empty I am able to open myself to the possibilities that surround me, possibilities that I have never been able to notice before because I was so busy trying to feel “full”.

I’m tired and being empty is forcing me to stop and rest so I will be ready for the next chapter of my life. It’s coming and I need to be empty so I can fully accept the wave that is headed my way. Oh, it’s coming, I can feel it and I think it’s going to be amazing! Being empty is exactly what I need to be so when I see and hear my next chapter approaching, instead of running scared I can stand my ground and say, “Why not? Come and get me, I’m ready!”

#thelieswechoosetolivewith