Mother Earth

A very long time ago, almost a lifetime ago I was told that, “It’s like you’re Mother Earth and the rest of us just satellite around you.” Even before I wanted to have children, it was like I was everyone’s mom. I suppose I gave off the aura that I was willing to make everything “okay”. I would listen, I would help, I would do everything within my means to make certain you felt cared for. I did it for friends, friend’s parents, teachers, bosses, massage clients, lovers and co-workers. I would go out of my way to make everything feel safe and sound and I still do. I think the reason people feel this way about me is because usually the harshest thing I’m going to say to someone is, “Are you going to eat that piece of pie I gave you or not?”

Whenever I have had my palm read I was asked, “There’s no way you have that many children. Are you the type of person everyone thinks of as their mommy?” I had to answer, “Yes.” I think it started even before my mother passed away. I was always the reliable, dependable, responsible one willing to drive people places, talk into the wee hours of the night to make certain you felt okay and make certain you were well fed. It’s what I do, I’m not ashamed of it, but sometimes I wish I could stop myself .

I think part of it is that I’ve always been here, this place I live and everyone knows that they can count on me for a comfortable place to stay, with plenty of food and hell, I’ll probably even do your laundry for you. Why? Because it makes me happy. I love to take take of people, I’m a caregiver at heart, I can’t seem to help myself. I always hope that my actions will be appreciated, but many times they are not, but guess what? I keep doing it because it makes me feel whole.

I think for the most part, at work I am everyone’s work mom. I’m never going to come down on you for being late or calling off, for making an honest mistake or chit chatting too much, but I will make it known that I am disappointed in you. That’s supposed to be harder to hear than anything, right? I don’t know, but I just don’t have it in me to be the hard ass. If someone didn’t make an error on purpose, how am I supposed to be pissed at them? After all, I make mistakes all the time. I only get angry if you’re not willing to admit that you made a mistake and apologize. A lack of an apology does piss me off, ie: John the Pilot.

John has never apologized to me, not even attempted to. I keep reading this little ditty about moving on and I’m having a hard time getting with the program. It states that one cannot move on until you accept that you will not receive closure in every situation, but you can create it for yourself. Most of what other people do is about them, not you. Some things cannot be explained, and some people won’t apologize because they can’t (bull shit). You cannot change people, no matter how much you think they need to change. People change themselves. John will never change, he’s too sick an individual. Okay, maybe if he gets struck by lightening, maybe then, but otherwise, no.

Thinking about this makes me remember my internet dating days, how I was the voice in the darkness to so many lost souls. I would tell them how wonderful they were, all the things they wanted to hear in exchange for giving me the power to pleasure them with my words. It was a very powerful exchange of commodities. I think, in a weird, that is what I do with the people who think of me as their mommy. I give them what they need, bolster their self esteem and for a moment, give them the hope that everything is going to be okay. In that exchange of commodities, I give them hope and they give me self worth. I give them the opportunity to understand that the only thing they have control over in this lifetime is themselves and therefore, I do the same.

John will never apologize to me. I will never know the truth. He haunts me in my dreams and I confront him in questionable manners, but in the end, he outs himself by being a small and petty individual for all to see. Hopefully, I am the last person he will ever be able to fool. Hopefully, all that is going on in this world has weakened his powers over those who long for more because he is small in more ways than one. Hopefully, karma will do for me what I can not do for myself because I have enough self respect not to go down that road.

Mother Earth, I am the protector of many, but now I am focusing on being my own protector. I am armed with truth, the most powerful weapon against evil. The truth can be subjective, long story short, not my monkey, not my circus, but I need to believe that at the end of the day, the truth will be revealed. I need to believe that all I have endured, all that I am and do in the name of being a good, caring person will be rewarded somehow. If nothing else, I will have peace of mind in knowing that I have done my best and I haven’t disappointed anyone, least of all my mom the person who protected me without me ever realizing it. The acorn doesn’t fall very far from the tree, right?