For most of my life, I recall feeling the need to be comfortable and to be safe. I’ve never dreamed of being rich, “I just want to be comfortable.” is what I would say, “I want to be able to take a vacation and not have it break me.” If I won the lottery, I would make certain that everyone who is close to me would have a paid for home and car, then everything else they earned would be gravy. I want to have financial security because that leads to feeling safe and that leads to freedom. To have the freedom to do as I choose, when I choose is very important to me.
For most of my life, I have lived under someone else’s thumb. For many years, nay decades it was my father’s. Even when I was married, it was my father who kept a roof over my head. All my ex and I had was debt. My father had debt as well, but his debt was in the form of a house that he bought in 1963 and was able to take home equity loans against to keep that roof over our heads for decades. I didn’t get a handle on my debt until I was in my forties and by then, I needed to stay with my dad to take care of him. We were a team and we took care of each other. That was something I’m glad we both chose to do.
For most of my life, I wondered if my father didn’t have that debt, if he would have done more with his life. Would he have traveled more after my mother’s passing? I really don’t think so because he had the ability and he did travel in the U.S. with one of his lady friends and us. I think he liked to talk about going to Alaska, but I don’t know that he would have ever done it, even if he didn’t have the debt. I think his form of freedom was talking about traveling, but the reality was he was a homebody, like me. Being home makes me comfortable and allows me to feel safe, which equals freedom. Being home is something I choose to do. It may not be exciting, but it makes me happy.
For most of my life, I would enjoy taking a trip, but nothing felt as good as coming home. I have lived most of my life in this house. There are times that I feel it is my prison, my son thinks so, but I disagree. I’ve come to realize that I experience a great deal of freedom by staying here. For the time being, I can afford to remain here and live comfortably. I know what is wrong with this house and I wouldn’t have that comfort level if I moved somewhere new. I know my neighborhood is changing, but not so much that I do not feel safe. I still know many of my neighbors, new and old and that gives me comfort and the freedom to wander freely, knowing where I’m going and how to get home. Living here is something I choose to do.
For most of my life, I have struggled with body image and have felt very uncomfortable in my own skin. I let other’s comments about me lead to self-hatred. I thought less of myself, especially when I liked a man and he wouldn’t give me the time of day. I thought less of myself when my husband told me I shouldn’t wear the color brown, it just made me look like a cow. I still struggle with body image, but I swear I look my best in lingerie. How I wish I could walk around wearing lingerie instead of ill fitted regular clothes. I’ve always thought that Victoria’s Secret was missing a great market and that I would be their perfect model, but alas they do not cater to my size. Their loss, not mine. It would be nice to go out into the world wearing lingerie, but I choose to not go to jail, so I don’t.
For most of my life, I believed that I needed to have a man in my life to have any worth. It is only recently that I have stopped believing that. I still desire to have a man in my life, but I’d rather be alone than to give myself to just someone, anyone who gives me the time of day. Nope, I’ve come to realize that any man in his right mine should be wishing he could be with me. I’m a good catch and until I meet the man who realizes that and has the courage to be with me, because I am an acquired taste, I’d rather enjoy my own company and that of my friends and family. Being single is something I choose to be, until I choose not to be.
For most of my life, I thought material possessions would make me happy. I do enjoy my possessions, but I am learning that I simply have too many. I’m working on lessening my load so that if an opportunity should present itself for me to live in my dream MCM home, I can leave with ease. When I was 19, I started getting rid of a lot of my possessions so I could move more easily out of my parent’s home. Well, I left for a moment, leaving behind a number of possessions in the process, but I shortly returned and began to accumulate more and more. Especially with having children, I really accumulated possessions, ones they now tell me they have no interest in. It took a lot of strength, but I have found good homes for many of those possessions and I will continue to lighten my load, just in case my dream MCM presents itself. Lessening my possessions is something I choose to do and it feels good.
For most of my life, I’ve dreamed of being a writer. To actually earn a living as a writer would be an amazing career. However, life took me on a different path and I let go of the dream. I continued to write letters and then emails, but I never thought of myself as a writer. I still don’t earn a living with my writing, but I did find my way to this blog. There aren’t many folks who read it, but there are some. I often wonder if I didn’t post anything for long while if anyone would notice. I think maybe one or two people would and I’m good with that. I choose to think of myself as a writer and that makes me very happy.
For most of my life, I believed that my existence doesn’t really matter. I had a realization when I was young and home sick from school. I was amazed to discover how many TV shows were on during the day while I was at school. I then realized that school was still going on even though I wasn’t there. The world doesn’t stop if I don’t show up for something? That thought made me feel very insignificant. Because I do work outside of my home, someone would notice if I didn’t show up, but other than that, I wonder if my absence would go unnoticed? Probably not, I choose to believe not. I choose to believe that someone would notice and actually care.
For most of my life, I have been told that I feel more than most folks do and for that I’m glad. I love deeply, I laugh heartily, and I sob with gut wrenching pain. I see so much beauty and feel that life is in the details. I believe that because I am this way, I am freer than most folks choose to be. I am freer because of the choices I have made in my life. Sometimes I think I may be too comfortable and I need to push myself out of that comfort zone to truly experience freedom, to live life to its fullest and to see how high is high. Maybe, but maybe not. In this moment I am experiencing what I have worked very hard for. I am comfortable, I feel safe and I feel free. I could lose it all in a heartbeat, but for today I am all that I need to be and more.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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