Receiving the text message from Marcus explaining his disappearing act did give me faith in the possibility that I am not just a big magnet for narcissistic sociopaths. He shared that he had been in an 8 month relationship and never realized how much he had loved her until she broke up with him. He further explained that he was still in love with her and felt that due to his feelings for her, he was not able to emotionally connect with me. He concluded by saying that he did not want to mislead me or pretend with me and and that he appreciated me and hoped I would understand.
I responded by telling him that we were cool and I thanked him for being an excellent transitional guy. I wished him luck with the woman he said that he loved and I figured that was that. I honestly thought he wanted to be friends, so when I heard from him again asking to see me, I started listing my schedule and chores, not realizing that what he meant was that he wanted to be my FWB – “Friend With Benefits”.
I explained to Marcus that I was not interested in such a relationship, been there done that. Besides, I knew he was not interested in having a meaningful relationship with me and vice versa, so why bother? He asked me, why we couldn’t enjoy each other’s company until either one of us found someone we truly wanted to have a relationship with? He had a point, but I was worried that I would become attached to him and get hurt once again….whatever, let’s do this!
Our schedules made it challenging to hook up, but we managed to make it work. It was nice to feel in charge, no expectations and to continue with my life afterwards as if nothing special had happened. It was more like a therapeutic appointment. We enjoyed each other’s company, but from time to time, I did worry that he had an alternate agenda. Marcus was not a wealthy man and he was not an American citizen, so I kept my guard up. However, I felt that he was honest with me…mostly.
I didn’t hear from him for a week, no matter we were not in a relationship. Our text messages were usually polite or of a sexual nature, but nothing even remotely romantic or indicating that there was an emotional connection between us. Him being from another country, there were times I had to explain my words to him. I didn’t have his address saved in my phone, so I asked him to text me it again. Even though I had been there a number of times, I am known for getting lost easily. I told him that maybe he should send up a flare to guide me. He didn’t know what that was, so I explained that it was a type of firecracker to help guide people to safety.
We had a very nice evening, maybe too nice. I was starting to become attached to him again and had thoughts that maybe if… if only he would…I could make this work if…if….if. No, either it works or it does not. I enjoy having a sparing partner, someone I can play with physically and through smart conversation. We shared that a bit and I enjoyed it immensely. The next day, he asked me about his performance and I said that he had done well, but he kept missing the mark. I told him that if he knew exactly the right spot, I would be his forever. If he found that spot, I’d be a goner. To which he responded, “You need to light me a flare to guide me.” Reading that message took my breath away. Maybe there was a chance we could make something real happen between us after all. I told him that it wasn’t fair of him to say such things to me and make me like him. I told him that what he wrote was a perfect response and reminded him that he was the one who said we couldn’t make something happen that wasn’t there to begin with. Radio silence.
We kept up polite messaging for the next month, but the messages were few and far between. As far as I was concerned, we were no longer in a FWB relationship, but just friends. It was better that way, I was becoming attached and that was not what either one of us truly wanted. Then I got the message I had been expecting for some time. He asked to borrow money from me. It was only $120 and he explained to me in great detail as to why he needed the help and exactly when he would be able to pay me back, but I was hesitant. I’m always glad to help a friend in need and I had wasted that kind of money on a bad meal in the past. I also knew that I have lent money to friends before, much more than $120 that was never repaid, not even attempted, but I didn’t want to be the ugly American, so I told him I could do it.
I tried to send it to him through Zelle, but it just wouldn’t work. Marcus kept asking me to go out of my way to get it to him and I was like, no. If he want me to help him, he would have to come to me. It was finally decided that he would come to my home to pick up the cash. He was concerned that my son would be home, and wondered if he knew about us. I told him that first of all, that we are not an us and secondly, everybody knows everything about me, that’s just how I am. I was actually surprised when he tried to kiss me and I pushed him away. I told him that I was doing this as a friend, that is all. He took the money and left. I sat in the darkness, sipping my glass of wine and feeling rather proud of myself. Maybe I would get the money back, maybe not, it really didn’t matter. I was more proud of the fact that I stuck to my guns and didn’t let my libido rule me.
Marcus did pay me back and he did it exactly when he said he would, but once again it was going to be a song and dance about where to meet. I told him that I wanted cash, no check and no more hoping that Zelle would work. It was finally decided that he would come to my place of employment. It was odd to have him on my turf, in public for all to see. Once again, he tried to kiss me. I reminded him that this was where I worked and those were my employees watching, no way was I going to let him kiss me in front of them. The cash exchanged hands and I sent him on his way.
It was good to see him and yet sad because I knew that we couldn’t be more than friends. I reached out to him for the 4th of July and then again around my birthday, just to be friendly, but I was kidding myself. If we were going to spend time together, there was only one course on the menu and it wasn’t what I craved. From time to time, I would look at his Facebook page to see what he was up to. His posts only confirmed what I felt to be true, we were just too different to be in a serious relationship. There was something else I noticed, there was an American woman who was suddenly “liking” and commenting on all of his posts. Who was this Mary Stevens and why was she so interested in Marcus? I scrolled back and realized that she came on the scene about the time we had been communicating less and less. Now it made sense, he found someone he could have a meaningful relationship with, but what did she look like and what was her story? I clicked on her page and found that she resembled me, but she was a brunette and may possibly live in AZ. No matter, she was definitely interested in Marcus because she commented on a pic his posted of himself saying, “Hey handsome.” Yeah, she was on the hunt and I was jealous.
To be continued…
Leave a Reply
Your email is safe with us.