Try to Remember

For anyone who truly knows me, they know that I do not casually use the greeting, “How are you?” The reason being, from all my years of working retail I can’t tell you how many times people have asked me, “How you doing?” and after I respond they barely acknowledge that I have uttered a word. They ask, but they really do not want to know how I am, so why ask? Because it’s just something to say? I’m sorry, I think that’s ruder than the people who do not even acknowledge me as a human being and simply walk up to me, blurt what they are looking for and expect me to immediately service them.

Please know this about me, if the words, “How are you?” leave my lips I sincerely want to know how you are. I will stop and listen for your response and then act accordingly. Over the years I have worked on becoming a better listener. I have a long way to go, but I try my best to focus on the words coming from your mouth and not think about how I should respond before you even finish speaking. I believe I have a form of attention deficit that makes this a difficult task for me, but I’m working on it because I think it’s very important to pay attention, remember and respond accordingly to what someone is trying to say. Whether it be through verbal communication, the lack of it, actions or body language I am working on how to better pay attention and remember what someone is trying to convey.

So many people assume that you know that they love you, but that is a dangerous assumption. Besides, it’s always so nice to hear those three little words. Along with the words, actions speak volumes. My mom used to send my older siblings care packages after they had moved out. Many of them, not only did she pack, she took them to the post office for delivery to another state. Since I never left home while she was living, I did not receive a care package. I once asked my sister what it was like to receive one of mom’s parcels and the response I received was disheartening, “They were crazy, like we don’t have bread in Texas?” I told my sister that it meant that mom loved her and cared about her well-being and that it made her happy to send her such things. I don’t think she heard me, yet another reason we do not speak.

Recently, my friend Laura has become even more concerned than usual about being outside of her home. I’ve been trying to get her to visit with me, but my attempts have been futile. I began to take it personally and then I had a thought, maybe my little buddy is more broken than I realize. I focused on that premise and decided to give her a gift of something to relieve stress. I’m much more of a hippie than she ever will be. The gift I picked up had a spiritual side to it, but a scientific element to it as well. I meant to just drop it off at her office and leave, but she caught me and asked if I would like to have lunch with her, so I did. She told me that this was the first time in 6 months that she was eating out. I told her about my theory about her being more broken than I realized and she confirmed my suspicions. She said, you know I love you to which I responded, “Really?”

I have a hard time understanding why people love me, or even like me for that matter. I think of myself as an acquired taste, not for the faint of heart. I am stern and have high expectations. I forgive, but I rarely forget. I figure that is why more times than not, I am the person who sends the email, text or card in the mail just to say hello, I’m thinking of you. I don’t receive many unsolicited messages except for one coworker who sends me a daily text message because he knows how much I appreciate it. I swear there are more days than not that that is the only time my phone receives an unsolicited message or call. Maybe it’s because people think of me as being strong and a survivor or maybe it’s because I’m intimidating, but rarely do others reach out to me, just cause.

My son and I have been doing family therapy. One topic we work on is communication and the ways we can improve ours. I brought up how it is very rare that someone tells me they love me without me saying it to them first. We have this “thing” we do in my family. It is based on a visit to the aquarium when they were little and how the baby beluga whale spouted as he swam by. I thought it was the sweetest thing and said that for all we know, that is baby beluga for I love you. From then on, it became our way of saying those words to each other without ever having to utter them. A simple “pouf” is all that was needed to convey love. Not too long ago, after a therapy session my son gave me an unsolicited “pouf”. It meant the world to me, but it hasn’t happened again since.

Love can be expressed in so many different fashions, but I’m a big believer in gifts of food. Martha Stewart has said that giving a gift of a homemade pie is ideal because so much time and effort goes into the making of one. A beautiful pie or cheesecake for that matter is a wonderful gift to receive, but even a simple candy bar will do. Back in the day, oranges were a thoughtful gift to give because it was known that eating them helped prevent scurvy. What a wonderful gift to receive, I love you enough to help preserve your health.

When my kids were younger, they would have friends over to play D & D in the basement. If I came home with groceries, they would all offer to help bring them in, probably to see what snacks I had brought home, but the help was appreciated. I would often tell my kids, “I brought you home something special, your favorite.” One day, one of their friends said in a despondent tone, “My mom never brings me home something special.” poor thing. Maybe it’s because he didn’t have a fat mom, but still a treat purchased with them in mind was always greatly appreciated.

The other day, I brought home some ice cream pops from the store. My son and I were enjoying them while watching TV. Suddenly, he said that he loved me, unsolicited and real words, not a “pouf”. Tears welled up in my eyes as I thanked him and told him that I loved him too. It was then he confessed that the ice cream stick was the reason he said it. I had no idea that they had sayings on them and his read, “Remind someone that you love them!” I’ll take it!

Life gets crazy, time slips by, assumptions are made, all I’m saying is try to remember to let the people dear to you know that you love them. Whether it be a candy bar, a text or a silent look of understanding, remember they may need an unsolicited confirmation that you thought of them and care enough to let them know. Do it.

“Pouf”

#thelieswechoosetolivewith