I know, I know there is so much going on in this world. There always has been and there always will be problems one can have that are so much worse than I can ever imagine. My problems are first world problems, I’m too fat, I don’t have a boyfriend and I can’t have what I want. Guess what, I still have a right to be upset.
I never used to understand when my mother would say that she could never have anything nice, us kids ruined everything on her. I understood when I had children of my own. I had this beautiful green glass globe light on a brass leafy stand that I didn’t put away fast enough when I had my first child. It was so pretty as a nightlight in his room, but when he started to crawl, it was the first thing he went for. Thankfully, when he pulled the cord and it came crashing down, he wasn’t injured, but at that moment I realized what my mother had been trying to tell me.
Not only did I have 2 children of my own, I took care of others. My home became a barren wasteland of rounded corners, electric outlet covers and toilet seat locks, I wanted to keep everyone safe and be a responsible grownup. I also tucked away the little crystal castle I had purchased right after I found out I was pregnant for the first time. I figured it was going to be a long time before I could afford to do something nice for myself again, so I treated myself to the multicolored bobble and tucked it away for many years. Every once in a while, I would take it out and hold it up to the light to admire its beauty, but I knew it was something I probably should not have wasted money on. I didn’t deserve to have something so frivolous, what was I thinking?
Of course, as the years passed, I dared to take it out, leave it on a dresser or a high shelf, but inevitably, something would happen and it would be knocked from its perch and a piece of the tower would break off. I can’t blame the kids though; it was me that did it in a careless hurry to do something or other. I would put it back together with some silly glue, but it was never the same, ever. Somehow a piece, a sliver of crystal would be missing and it would be off, not straight and perfect like the original design. What was I thinking trying to have something nice?
This has been the story of my life. I keep trying to do something nice, something special for myself and inevitably it all goes wrong. I feel like how dare I want something special for myself when there are so many with so little, what’s wrong with me? How dare I want more? What did I ever do to deserve something special? How I longed to have someone special as well. It’s hard to believe, but I’m coming up on the 2-year anniversary of the night I kicked John the Pilot out of my home and out of my life forever. I didn’t hesitate a moment, as soon as I realized what had happened, I told him to leave. What was I thinking that someone actually loved me? How dare I think that I deserved to be treated well? What kind of fool thinks for one moment that I’m going to live happily ever after? Fuck.
I know what you’re thinking, stop your pity party you silly goose. How dare you even go there when so much is happening to so many. Well guess what, I dare! I have been trying to be nice, I have been trying to be understanding of all that is happening around me, but I deserve something nice too. I have worked hard for all that I have earned, yes earned not gifted. I deserve something to call my own, without cracks and long stories about how I should be grateful for what I have. I also deserve someone in my life, but that’s just not in my cards so I am focused on having something nice for myself, something I have wanted for a long time.
Long story short (too late) I finally found a reasonably priced MCM bedroom dresser, something I have wanted for well over a decade. I found one and purchased it with the bonus money I earned being an essential worker. I went to pick it up and there was an accident that broke one of its legs. They offered to fix it and deliver it for free to my home, so I was kind I was patient and I felt that this was the reward, it was being delivered instead of me having to make more arrangements and put others out to help me get it home. Today, it finally arrived and guess what? They delivered a dresser with a broken leg. It had never been fixed, maybe they thought it had, but no. I stood there looking at it after my son and the delivery man struggled to get it up the stairs, after I unwrapped my gift to myself for being a good person who desires and deserves nice things and what I saw broke my heart. They didn’t even fix it.
I know, I know many of you would have been angry and swearing and making threats, but I just felt broken. Why? Why does this keep happening to me? I finally found something I could love, something I wanted enough to spend money I probably shouldn’t on and it was broken. It was broken, just like me. Just like me.
I calmly called the store and told them what had happened and what I expected to be done to remedy the situation. I was a grown up, I was a manager of all things like I always am and then I sent the responsible email with the pictures and details of the transaction. Then I poured myself a cocktail and cried. Why don’t I deserve something nice? What have I done so wrong in my life that I don’t deserve something nice? Nothing I suppose, “Bad things happen to everyone, it’s how we respond to them that defines us as human beings.” is something I learned way back during my divorce support group days, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I still feel like I’m being punished for some previous/current life misdeed.
I know in the end, the dresser will be repaired and delivered to my home with an apology, but I still feel so beaten right now. Several first world issues have plagued me today and I’m just tired, so tired. I know, I know…how dare I complain, how dare I ask for more, but I do. The sun has set on this challenging day. There’s supposed to be a full moon, a corn moon tonight. I’m not certain what that means, but maybe that will help change my vibration or something. I don’t know, I just wanted something nice, I really wanted something to go smoothly for me. I guess that was too much to ask for. Maybe…maybe tomorrow.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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