Be Prepared

Back in the day, I was a Boy Scout leader. There were many take-aways from that experience like, “Plan the work and work the plan”, but most importantly was their motto, “Be Prepared.”

I was twenty-one when my mother died. I was completely unprepared for that loss. I had experienced the gut-wrenching pain of death before with the loss of my life long pets, a friend and a teacher, but nothing could prepare me for the absolute heart-breaking loss of my mother. The day she died, I remember sitting on the front porch and saying to my ex-husband, then boyfriend, “Maybe this is all there is, we live, if we’re lucky we love and then we die.” When I realized that the pain of losing my mother would always be a part of me, I was able to move forward with my life, but I was forever changed by that experience and began my fixation with being prepared.

Nothing truly prepares one for being a parent, but when I discovered I was pregnant for the first time, I began reading self help books on the subject. I spoke to my elders about their experiences and received a lot of unsolicited advice from strangers. My best friend was a pediatrician so talking to her was helpful. She herself, when she became a parent thought she was hugely prepared due to all of her daily experience with babies. However, even she was surprised at how nothing can prepare one for having a child. Read all you want, talk to the experts, but nothing can prepare you for the 24 hours a day, 365 days a year for the rest of your life worry that comes with being a parent. Nothing can prepare you for the intensity of the life long relationship that emerges from your own body. Nothing can prepare you for the sheer joy of their accomplishments, no matter how small and for the blinding anger if someone tries to harm them. Nothing prepares us for a love so pure and unconditional, nothing.

When I realized that my father wasn’t doing well, I did everything in my power to get him the help he needed. I researched all that he may qualify for in terms of public aid because simply put, we could not afford much else. I searched high and low looking for more, asking questions of everyone connected with his possible aid and felt defeated when I was told that I had exhausted his benefits. What else can I do to help my dad? Basically, it was up to me because he could no longer do for himself. Fortunately, I had a few family members and friends that were willing to help, but none so much as my youngest son. He like me, is of the mindset that one takes care of their family, one simply does. Without hesitation, he put school on hold and took care of my father, his grandfather until his final breath. Then, unknowingly he took care of me just by being here. He likes to think of himself as stoic and unemotional, but I know better. He loves deeply and someday he will come to know that side of himself willingly.

Now I find myself trying to prepare my children for the day I leave this existence. I have all my affairs in order, but I realize that I need to teach them more. I need to show them the details of what I have been doing to take care of our future. I don’t want them to have to figure things out while going through the grieving process as well like I did. I want to leave them with peace of mind that I have taken care of everything, like I always have and the baton of responsibility will be passed to them with more ease than it was to me. I keep wondering, what else I can do to make the experience less traumatic for them, but I think I have done all that I can. Nothing will prepare them for the reality of no longer having my help, just like when I realized I no longer had Mom’s or Dad’s.

With all that is going on in the world, I find myself perpetually trying to be prepared. What else can I do to be prepared if the unspeakable happens? Food, food and more food, I keep buying food, water and doing things to protect the little bit that I have. I can’t seem to do enough to prepare for things to go bad at work either. I order as wisely as I can without creating waste. I train my team to be prepared if for some reason I can no longer do my job. I also train them to be prepared, to be able to protect ourselves from whatever may come to pass, to without hesitation, pull the trigger and put into motion our plans on how to get through the unspeakable alive and well, together.

I’ve had a team member give notice recently and I am preparing myself for some long hours in my near future. Writing schedules to cover all the most important days, shifts we cannot do without. I am preparing myself to be there open to close if need be because simply put, that is what I do. I take care of things, I take care of people, I will take the hit as long as I can keep the plates spinning and keep us all safe. Being safe has always been a priority to me. I need to feel safe, I want to be comfortable, I want us to have all that we need and just a little bit more, just in case.

I find myself asking over and over in my mind, “What else can I do?” When told about a customer encounter that leaves one of my team members rattled, when I realized that we have been shoplifted again, when an order comes in and half of it is out of stock, what else can I do to keep us afloat, safe, happy, and functioning as a place of business, a team, a family. It’s exhausting really. To say that I am stressed is a gross understatement. John the pilot used to say that I took care of everyone else so he was here to take care of me. Well, he’s no longer here so I guess it’s up to me to take care of me. My son helps greatly just by being here, but at the end of the day, I have to take care of me, no one else can do that.

I take care of myself by being prepared, by doing my best to think of all the things I should be doing so that if for some unholy reason we need to survive, because of so many selfish and spoiled people running our lives, we’ll make it. However, at the end of the day nothing can prepare me for the reality of the moment I take my final breath. No amount of stock piling, estate planning and training of others can prepare me for my final good bye. I have no control over that moment. The only thing I have control over is myself, but I have no control over that final moment, when it will happen or how it will happen.

There is a song I learned a long, long time ago. My parents may have introduced it to me or maybe it came to be a part of the repertoire of music I draw upon by seeing the movie The Boy with Green Hair when I was young. The song is called Nature Boy. I don’t recall the movie or its meaning, but I always recall this song. The final lyrics of the song speak to me and maybe it is those words of wisdom that went through my head the day my mother died. “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” I suppose, I am prepared and always have been.

Thanks Mom and Dad, you prepared me well.

#thelieswechoosetolivewith