I’ve previously mentioned that I enjoy playing solitaire on my Kindle Fire. It is a nightly ritual for me, usually playing three games. Sometimes, I imagine that I am participating in a worldwide competition, about to set a new world’s record! The other night, was one of those times. I played a game and completed it in one round. It was not my best time or points, but I noted that I had done it in 109 moves. This was one less than my previous best from over a year ago. I like to think that somehow my improvement in playing this game, no matter how small, is a direct reflection of how well I’m doing in the game called “life”.
You may have noted, that I have not written in a while. I’m not going to bore you with the details, but suffice to say, I’ve been challenged as of late and writing was not at the forefront of my mind, continuing to move forward, was. Just like a game, I’ve encountered obstacles and choices, doing my best to decipher which moves to make, or not, but always moving forward. I refused to allow anything to stop me from moving forward.
I used to squawk when I would hear about some diva collapsing during a performance due to exhaustion. However, the older I get, the wiser I become and I now realize that such an occurrence can exist. Physically, mentally and spiritually, exhaustion does exist and it can be crippling. When I noted the 109 moves on my game of solitaire, it gave me hope. I wasn’t certain what it meant, but I felt a need to write it down and then get some much-needed sleep.
I don’t recall if I have shared this previously, but I believe there are at least 3 sides to my personality. There is Gail; tried and true (long sleeved t-shirt, jeans, sneakers), Veronica; strong and decisive (black leather jacket, jeans and heels), and Megan. I created the idea of Megan while working with a life coach about 20 years ago. I was asked to imagine my perfect self and to give her a name. I decided that her name would be Megan, the name I had wanted to name my child if I had had a girl. Megan Lorraine, to be exact.
The other day, while driving to work, I noted that Veronica was in the house. My road rage kicked in, but I was making skilled maneuvers and no one was going to dictate to me what time I would arrive. She continued to guide me through my morning paperwork, having ideas and making choices that felt so good. I felt strong, standing up tall and when I caught my reflection in a mirror, I wondered, “Is this Megan?”
I’ve always believed that I would not attain the “Megan” level till I was near my time to transition, but now I’m beginning to believe that may not be the case. Maybe, I can do it in less moves and embrace my ideal self sooner than later. In the past few weeks, each time I felt defeated, I found a new way, a new voice, more confidence and kept moving forward. Hell, I even managed to figure out how to fix the upstairs toilet all by myself! In the past, I would have believed that it was Veronica who figured it out, but now, I think Megan is emerging.
You may be wondering, “She told us what Gail and Veronica wear, what does Megan don?” Good question. I can remember the moment, as if it were yesterday, my life coach asked me a series of questions, taking me on a journey, asking me what she looked like and I could see her, plain as day. Megan was tan and trim, wearing a straw hat, a tank top, khaki shorts and hiking boots. She stood tall and strong and was looking over her land. Well, I may not be tan and trim and I don’t own the outfit, but that’s sort of how I felt working on Groovy Gail’s Garden this past year. Maybe my ideal self isn’t named Megan, maybe her name is Groovy Gail? Huh, something to ponder.
It’s a new year, the sun is shining and I’m making soup with the leftover Christmas Ham of Hope. It feels so good not to have to go anywhere today, no need to make any extra moves. I tended to my houseplants and a few other chores, doing so makes me feel strong, comfortable, and safe. The house is quiet, still, filled with sunlight and my thoughts. I wonder what I’ll do with the rest of my day? Veronica chimes in for a moment, “Whatever I damn well feel like doing?”, but Gail chuckles and tells her to behave. Groovy Gail will take it from here.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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