One of life’s moments of pure joy, is biting into an apple cider donut from the farmer’s market. I love donuts and I especially love apple cider donuts. The love affair began decades ago, travelling to distant lands to obtain my tasty delights, but these days, I can get a darn good apple cider donut at the local farmer’s markets. They are made by the same man, Wednesdays in one nearby city, Thursdays in another. I try to get there early enough so I can be guaranteed a white paper satchel of goodness. It can be devastating if I miss the opportunity to get my fix.
He only takes cash and last autumn, I was a little short on the green, but the donut man trusted me and told me that he would catch me at the next one. Since I wasn’t certain that I would make it to another farmer’s market that season, I ran my errands, got some cash, and made it back to his stand before he retired for the day. He assured me that what I had done wasn’t necessary, but I like paying my debts in a timely manner and I had greatly appreciated his trust in me.
The farmer’s markets are up and running for the season and I made it to one last Thursday. I was so excited to see that the donut man was there, it’s nice to have a donut man one can count on. As I approached his booth, I asked him if he remembered me. He said that he recognized the face, but… I thanked him for his act of kindness last season by saying that I appreciated how nice he had been to me. His retort took me aback and little did I realize that he was about to open my floodgate of self-doubt.
The donut man said that being nice hasn’t worked out for him thus far. He told a tale about a relationship that ended badly. Quite honestly, the path he had travelled made mine seem a little candy-ass-pansied. Not only were there lies and deception, the woman that he was living with, married someone else and continued to live with the donut man without telling him. I responded by telling him about my blog. I handed him my business card and invited him to check it out. He wasn’t that interested, claiming that he’s not good with tech stuff, but I reassured him that it’s just a website, easy to find.
As our conversation continued, I felt that I was doing some of my best flirting. I was wearing a cute outfit because I had just come from the Home Depot, you know, the place I’m convinced that I’m going to find my dream man at, I just need to hang out there more often. I focused on smiling; I’ve been told that it is very important to smile if I want to attract a man. And, most importantly, I reassured him that he hadn’t been a fool and he will find his peace. I don’t recall the exactness of his next statement, but as he spoke, he flipped over my card, revealing the image of my friend Ray, the young lady I have hopes of podcasting with someday.
Since I have that hope, I had two-sided business cards made, one side for my blog and the other for her YouTube channel, which is listed under her flattering photo. That’s when it happened, that’s when the floodgate of self-doubt was yanked open, that’s when he said, “Yadda, yadda, yadda, “Your Cute Friend.” From that moment on, he could have been revealing the true meaning of life, the deepest secrets of the universe, but I would not have heard a single word of it, because all I was obsessing about was “Your Cute Friend”. There it is, just like always, I’m standing right in front of you, being all wonderful, wearing a cute outfit, and gosh darn it, I’m smiling and it doesn’t even matter, because he saw a picture of a cute girl.
This girl is a very beautiful soul and deserves the attention, but not more than the girl standing right in front of him, dutifully listening and commenting on his tale of betrayal. This is not the first time I have experienced this sort of dismissal; it has happened many a time. I will be the one chatting up a fella, but then he will notice my “cute friend” standing there and ask her, her name, and suddenly, I’m invisible.
“Your Cute Friend” …fuck! People keep suggesting that I should ask men out, to which I remind them, I have. It doesn’t work, not for me, the big, buxom, blonde who isn’t shy, but isn’t thin either. I really wish I knew what the secret formula is, to being a woman that men will approach. I’m fairly certain that it involves a degree of “damsel in distress”, not my forte, with a splash of “cheerleader”. “Oh, you’re so amazing, the best! I’m mean rah-rah-shish-kum-ba!” Even if you could run rings around the guy, “He’s the best!” No, I can’t do it, sorry. And therefore, hitherto, I get passed over for “Your Cute Friend.”
I tell you, this whole thing really stuck with me. I couldn’t shake it, no matter how positive I tried to be with all other aspects of my life, my mind clung to those three little words. Over-and-over again, tormenting me and the sad part is, I wasn’t really that attracted to the donut man. The problem was, that he didn’t even acknowledge my attentiveness, I got nothing. Well, I did get a fist pump upon parting, but nothing more. No, “Hope to see you again soon.”, just a casual good bye, but I did reinforce the idea about checking out my blog before I went on my way.
Remember my last blog, the one with all the words people said remind them of me when I’m at my best? Remember that? What was that, a couple of weeks ago? All the positive reinforcement I received, gone simply because I chose to focus on three little words, uttered by the donut man. Focus, I think that’s what this is all about, my lack of focus on my own self-worth. I can do 101 great things, but the one thing I mess up, is the one thing that clings to my consciousness. It’s hard, it’s very hard to believe that I’m worthy of whatever is good out there, and so easy to focus on the self-loathing. Truth be told, I didn’t plumet this time, so that’s an improvement, but the fact that I kept thinking about it, asking friends about what was said to me and asking them, why? Why? Why does it keep happening? No one had an answer.
I had a team member appreciation dinner at my store last night. There’s a person on my team who tends to be a negative nelly and I felt a need to squash their negative narrative with a challenge. The challenge was to write a positive statement about each of their team members and to read them out loud to their team at the dinner. The challenge was begrudgingly accepted, but two days before the assignment was due, I was informed that they could not make the dinner, for one reason or another. I gave my team member the evil eye and informed them that the assignment stood and would be due the next day, since they did not plan on attending the dinner. Grumbling was heard, but I really didn’t care. No wait, I did care, and I was glad it was causing them some distress, sort of like the distress I experience when I am told about the negative nelly statements.
This same team member has also been making errors that I feel could be remedied if they chose to wear their glasses. Focus, it’s all about focus. So many errors are made in life due to a lack of focus or a misplaced focus, a “Your Cute Friend” focus. I’m happy to say that my team member completed their assignment and did surprisingly well with presenting an honest and positive statement for each of their team members. Even more interesting, the positive statement made, in most cases, was the reverse of the negative statement that had been reported to me. Isn’t that crazy? When this person was put into a position of having to think about something positive, they came up with the opposite of what they had originally been complaining about. One example, I was told that they felt that another team member was being bossy and was going to try and take away someone else’s position. The positive statement that emerged when forced to think about was that they felt that this same person showed strong leadership skills and would grow with the company if they so choose. Bizarre.
You know, maybe I’ve been looking at this the wrong way. Maybe, me hearing those vile words and me not having a complete breakdown over them, shows growth, growth I would not have noticed if I hadn’t heard them, yet again. Maybe, me hearing, “Your Cute Friend” when I did, was a lesson in paying attention to my focus or lack thereof. I should not lose focus on all that I have, all the beauty I have created in the form of my children and my home, all the love and support I am surrounded by, …focus.
You know what I’m thinking about? With my tsetse fly train of thought? My focus? Delicious apple cider donuts, in a white paper satchel. Until Wednesday…
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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