Has another year really gone by? Have I done anything of worth this past year? I tended my garden and wrote a few blogs, but what else have I accomplished?
Today, I spent 3 hours working on the annual reviews of my store’s team. For the most part, I keep things simple. The form we use does most of the talking for me, but I do my best to supplement the scores with some words of acknowledgement and encouragement. I have a solid team, God bless, but there are always opportunities for improvement. For the most part, I use what the team member has written in their pre-appraisal. However, I have realized that I usually see more awesomeness than they do and I do my best to temper their short comings with words of optimism. In a nutshell, “Do unto others…”
I shall try to do that for myself. I’m usually my own worst enemy, but I think I’ve had a good year. I’ve worked through some major bouts of anxiety and depression through riding my bicycle and gardening. I’ve come to accept that change is inevitable and that nothing is perfect and never will be. I think my biggest accomplishment has been becoming more comfortable in my own skin. To truly accept the fact that the only thing I have control over is my response to what challenges lie before me, gives me peace.
Certain untimely deaths that occurred this year, rattled me to my very core. Not only was I confused, I was very fearful of every word I spoke. Of course, this led to anxiety and forced me into situations where I felt confined to the prison of my own mind. Writing helped free me to a certain extent, but more so than not, it was the power of prayer. I’ve always had faith, was raised to practice that faith, but from time to time, I’ve wandered away from said faith. I don’t share much about my beliefs, because they are my own and I do not choose to open myself up to criticism for having them.
I know I don’t seem like a person of faith because my first response to criticism is, “Go fuck yourself.” I really do enjoy that statement, it simply rolls off the tongue and covers so many bases. Truth be told, I have enough faith to cover many of those who do not possess it, and I’m okay with that. I wasn’t certain of the growth of my ability to believe this year, but certain situations have led me to grasp its girth.
Most recently, a series of truths, half-truths, and lies led me to have serious doubts about my ability to more aptly gauge a person’s worthiness of my friendship. Lord knows I have made serious mistakes in the past, but I really thought I was doing better at not being “Gullible Gail”. It’s one thing to lie to me, but to lie about me, “Go fuck yourself.” Long story short “Rashomon”, the 1950 Japanese movie that taught me that there are at least 3 sides to every story. Our life’s experience shades the version of reality we interpret to be the truth. Using the skills of deduction this movie enlightened me to, greatly helped me navigate the situation. In doing so, it lost its power over me and my self-doubt melted away.
This past Christmas eve proved to be another challenge for me to face. How would I handle the growing discomfort of being in my own home due to another’s actions and words? I know, midnight mass. I was relatively still awake, so I donned my shoes and left the house without uttering a word. I made my escape and found peace in knowing, I was doing what was best for me. I feared there would be consequences for my actions, something I tried not to cloud my experience that night, and instead focused on the magnificence of sharing the birth of Christ with a room full of strangers.
Later that morning, because I didn’t arrive home till 2am from mass, I once again felt a need to escape my own home and the possibility of an argument, so I rode my bike. I was blessed with mild weather and hit the road. It was peacefully quiet, and that allowed me to focus on my own beliefs. I did physically struggle, but my mind found the exercise insightful. When I returned home, I chatted with a dear friend about the night’s occurrence and was assured that it would be all forgotten and I had nothing to be asking forgiveness for. As always, her wisdom proved to be correct and a simple hug following an “I love you” remedied the situation.
I’ve become so comfortable in my faith, my need to believe, that this morning I truly surprised myself. Someone I have known most of my life was outside shoveling snow. I stopped my car, lowered my window, and spouted, “Happy New Year!” After a very brief chat, I ended our conversation with “God Bless.” It rolled off the tongue and covered so many bases. I doubt I will ever say it as often as “Go fuck yourself”, but hey, it could happen.
It’s unlikely that I will ever be a holy roller, but it’s comforting to know that my faith is still with me. I don’t feel the need to be a devout church goer or an avid learner of the bible, I simply need to open myself up to the possibilities to find enlightenment and peace. I have faith in the goodness of others and faith in myself, but most of all, I believe. Thank God, I still have the strength to believe.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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