There was a time that I loved a man named John with all my heart. I honestly thought that I was going to spend the rest of my life loving him. Then, I found out he wasn’t who I thought he was, not even close. My life was blown to smithereens and yet, I found the strength to heal and move forward. Unfortunately, there were financial matters to consider and I was not able to make a clean break. All was well for a time, but now it is not and I find myself at another turning point.
How I wish I could go back in time, to a time that I didn’t know how abusive a situation I was in. Ignorance is bliss and I was blissfully ignorant for 9 years. There are still times that my mind allows me to slip and forget the truth. A time when I had someone in my life that I adored and I felt like I was the only girl in his world, he was very good at that. I tell you, there were times that we were surrounded by beautiful women at bars or in hotel hot tubs and I never once felt like he was checking them out, not once. I really thought he loved me that much, that he only had eyes for me. Oh bother.
The truth is, I was never the only girl in his world. He was leading a double or maybe even a triple life. I was merely a pawn in his game of lies and deceit. I had only ever seen the one side of his personality. To me, he was kind and loving, but secretive. Now that I am at a crossroads with him in a financial matter, I am seeing the person the other woman used to describe to me. I am now dealing with someone who thinks he can manipulate me by being mean and spinning webs of lies even though he knows that the jig is up. I can only assume that he is not well because anyone in their right mind would know the old adage, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
I read his lies and laugh. I wonder how he got this way. What could have possibly happen to him in his life that made him become this way? I have read a number of books about being in relationships with narcissistic sociopaths and I still haven’t a clue. All I know is that I have a bad habit of falling in love with them. I look at the list of men I have written stories about in this blog and I believe that every single one of them would fall into this category.
I suppose the more important question is, what happened to me that led me to be attracted to these type of people? I could blame my parents, I think most people do, but that is only a small part of the equation. I wish I could go back in time and see the moments that formed my curious malady. My ex-husband once said to me that I lived vicariously through him, meaning that I would get a thrill from listening to his stories about all his naughty behavior, especially in his teens. He described scenarios that I couldn’t even imagine happening, but he assured me that they did. I wondered what it would be like to be so carefree and irresponsible, but that simply was not me.
I have a friend that is basically the female version of my ex-husband. Highly intelligent and reckless are the words that describe both of them quite well. I met her in high school and I will always remember the first day she came to visit. My mother spied her walking up to our house and said that she didn’t look like the rest of my friends. I agreed, but there was something about her that I liked. She wore a metallic blue leather overcoat and had pretty feathers in her hair that were strung together with leather thongs. I had no idea what a roach clip was back then, I just thought they made her look cool.
Turns out, becoming friends with me was her alternative to going to boarding school. She had been in so much trouble that her parents had given her the ultimatum of finding new friends or she was going to be shipped out. So, I guess she chose the biggest nerd she could find and the rest is history. Our friendship has taken breaks from time to time, but we are still in touch. Two tortured souls that battle depression, but in very different manners are forever entwined in each other’s lives.
There were times in our twenties that I wasn’t living so vicariously. There were times that I had been carefree and irresponsible while tagging along on her escapades, correction our escapades. Maybe being with such people gives me permission to walk on the wild side. Being with my ex-husband, I definitely did that. He was married when we first met, something I’m not very proud of. We were obsessed with each other and he took me down a rabbit hole I was thrilled to be in. When I was with John, I was free to do whatever I liked, no questions asked and no regrets. When I really think about it, I think that is why I am so attracted to these people. When I’m with them, I get to step outside of my own skin and be carefree and reckless, no questions asked, but maybe some regrets.
I was a good kid, I did my homework and stayed out of trouble through the age of 19. Then, a switch was flipped and I dared to color outside of the lines. I drank too much, lost my virginity and went skinny dipping. Then, I got married and had kids and I was put back into the role of being the responsible one. I was a good mom and daughter and took care of everyone and everything, but after 15 years of that something flipped the switch again. I still took care of everyone and everything, but in my spare time dared to be the reckless one…again. Not only did I color outside the lines, I created a very adult coloring book, fuck the lines.
I continue to wonder what happened to me that I am this way, why do I tend to be one extreme or the other? I still hope that the two sides of my personality will find a way to live in harmony with one another. Then again, maybe they have and that’s why my life needed to be blown to smithereens. That life had to die so that this one may live.
Time to create a new coloring book.
#thelieswechoosetolivewith
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